I'm torn between wanting Kagome to knock Akemi upside her head for pretty much raping Inuyasha. Another part of me wants him to give her a tongue lashing when he regains consciousness. Arrogant little prick. At this point, I don't care how legendary her father is or how close of a friend he was to Inupapa. More!

just couldn't give kagome a break, huh?

oh wow. O_O You weren't kidding about changes. Practically went a whole new direction.

Why the handshake though? That wouldn't be at all common for Japan, even nowadays.

Thanks for writing.

Much better continunity.  Also opens, the thought of how true was Inu to Kagome.  of the many battles Inu has won.  the many situations he has gotten out of with his only with will.  this boy couldn't get away from the female hanyou.  Rrrrright, then after all this time of doubt Kagome should leave with no remorse. well maybe some.  the time she lost in loving him instead of loving herself.  he is still a boy as for her, she has become a woman.

Ello,

Well, I absolutely loved the changes. Much more detailed an thourough. Also, you have totally changed my perspective on the Akemi, Kagome, Sango dynamic. Before I didn't really like Akemi much at all mostly because she acted like a bitch. But now with the extra informtaion it makes her SOOO much more likeable. I especially loved the kindergarten reference because that's exactly what it felt like. Looking forward to see more of all three of the interacting later on (hopefully Akemi will have some clothes on lol). 

Also, if you have any questions or anything you want to talk about just let me know I'll gladly help.

Shik

~~~This is for chapter 8....

" her hands touchingto her flushed cheeks"

*space

~~~These are for chapter 9....

Shina had been best friends with her till she moved away from Tokyo

*Until

------------------

"Kagome let go of Akemi's hand, walked pass her"

*Past; Pass is a noun (a mountain pass) or a verb (I passed her some juice). Past can be a noun (my past), adverb (she ran past), adjective (we had past altercations), or a preposition meaning beyond (do not fill the glass up beyond/past half full). In your example it would be an adverb.

----------------

"I have never met such a stubborn hanyou, Kagome." exlaimed Akemi in amazement.

*Either you can switch the period for a comma, or you can switch it for an exclamation point and just reword the second phrase into a complete sentence.

-------------------

"She wanted to throw at the thought."

*throw up?

-------------------

She pried the red haori loose from the hands of the groaning monk, and walked to where Inuyasha was.

Shippou called out for Kagome to wait, and followed after her.

no comma

--------------------

You should understand.” Kagome persisted

“Perhaps yes, perhaps no.” Akemi answered, cryptically. 

“Well, Kagome, I have not marked him.” Akemi announced.

he wants to be with.” Kagome said, 

He’ll be much happier with her than with me.”  Kagome said, (Also you have an extra space inbetween the " and Kagome)

"It doesn't matter anymore how I feel, Sango."  Kagome replied quietly

“I care about him, Sango.” Kagome said

Put your weapon down.” Akemi scoffed

Kagome is waiting for us.” Miroku said

 I will break your neck, demon-slayer.” Akemi said

ruler of the western lands.” He replied, in his deadpanned tone (he wouldn't be capatilized.) 

“Give the name of your sire.”  He ordered.

*Comma

---------------------

Although she had mostly grown up mostly under her youkai father

*Two identical words very close to each other; reword

----------------------

 He is free to be with however he wants to be with

*whoever

----------------------

While she cared a great deal, also felt so tired and drained

*no subject, insert one between the , and also or before the preposition

---------------------

shattering tree trunk into pieces

*the?

-------------------------

“Hanyou,” He said, “What is your name?”

*not capatilized

--------------------

“Shiranui.

*missing last quotation mark

"Full-breasted, volumptious, she had piercing, violet-blue eyes"

*1. I suggest deleting the comma and inserting an "and"

*2. Delete comma

------------------------------

"while appearing soft and feminine on their first sight of her"

*at

---------------------------

" were her constantly swirling, fire-like, red markings on her forehead. "

Love the orginality behind the markings

------------

"That’s because I wore him out completely.” replied the female"

*comma

Ok, I get what you're going for, I think.  But really?  I know Kagome is depressed and blaming herself a great deal, but her protective instincts should/would have kicked in seeing her beloved tied down and freshly raped.  She comes from a time when information about what happens in the mind of many rape victims is fairly available knowledge...  And she's just going to leave him with his captor? Even after finding out he called for her?  Something seems wrong there.

The female is obviously confused... no doubt there.  Is she going to up and leave now, realizing that would be better for everyone?  I kinda hope Kagome would just kick her butt.

Did I just imagine it your did you somehow changed chap 8 and 9..cause I remember the first part of chap9 has been a part of chap 8. And the last part of chap8 was added...Maybe I am wrong...but somehow I got that feeling...

Hello,

I noticed the disclaimers for Ookami, great catch! Also, I just wanted to say that I think it's awesome that when you change things you actually change things and make the changes your own. Instead of just following along with what ever I say. Also, loved the chapter didn't see many flaws until I looked really hard my second read through. Well, here you go...

--------------

"Everyone's jaws dropped at finding Inuyasha spread-eagled, naked and unconscious on the floor… and a nude female wolf hanyou at his side giggling. "

*I think you should elaborate on this sentence, such as where she is. Is she kneeling, sitting, standing? I first assumed that she was standing next to him which didn't really make sense when 'she pressed her breats against him' because well he was on the ground and she was standing up. But during the second read through I noticed this sentence, "She leapt up and circled Kagome" Also, if she's sitting is she good enough to deflect a boomerang attack from Sango.  (If she's not good at fighting (which I actually doubt) you could just have her switch into a slight kneeling position, then revert back.)

--------------

“You must be Kagome.” Akemi probed"

"“Take the monk for example, little Kagome.” Akemi said, in a playful tone." (for the second one there is no comma)

"He’ll be much happier with her than with me.”  Kagome said."

" him, Sango.” Kagome said"

"Kagome is waiting for us.” Miroku said"

"They were good friends.” Akemi said."

*," 

--------------

"Kagome asked, sofly, surprised. "

"smart human girl, Kagome.” Akemi said, breezily. "

“Perhaps yes, perhaps no.” Akemi answered, cryptically."

" If he took so much as a step towards the female wolf hanyou, Miroku knew he was a dead man. "

"Sango, strode towards Kagome, unable to believe what Kagome had just said."

"Shippou called out for Kagome to wait, and followed after her"

*No Comma

---------------

"Deftly side-stepping reiki lashing out,"

"Sesshoumaru considered of all the wolf allies his father had."

*Comprehension; I'm not to sure if it's just missing a word, or it needs to be reworded whenever I say it outloud it seems awkward and jumbled. 

-----------------

"answered Akemi, as, “for a whole two nights, "

*lol I actually don't know what this is supposed to be

------------------

"He refused to mate me, tried to deny himself from reaching ecstasy and kept pleading me to set him free to return his betrothed"

*I'd suggest, since this is a list of actions, to make all the verbs into the same tense so it flows better so the third would have to be switched to pleaded. Originally I thought this was a really long sentence so if you don't want to do that you could separate it between one of the two phrases. Or you could totally ignore me as well, that's fine, too.

--------------------

"His hands were niggling and wiggling to go to the attractive, wolf hanyou and" 

"The-the legendary, great white wolf?”  She stuttered." (I'm assuming great refers to size if it refers to achievements then ignore this suggestion)

* No comma; Well I learned something totally new today. There are different types of adjectives, and they each have a order that they are supposed to be put in. If two of more adjectives fall under the same category they are to have a comma separate them. (My neighbors purple, pink cat died yesterday. They both describe the colour) But if they do not, no comma is needed. adjectives have an order before a noun according to their kinds, e.g. adjectives of size, age, shape, colour, origin and material are put in that order as in “The large old Malay wooden house.” That is why (if you cared enough to read this) that there is no comma there.

--------

" grope her for all she was worth but Sango kept popping up in his mind with a giant boomerang."

"There was a resounding CRACK and Miroku crumpled to the ground. "

"Akemi sighed as if she were scolding a child, unaffected by the hostility"

"Sango shrugged off Miroku’s hand, still angry and hurled her Hiraikatsu with all her might."

* Comma.

----------------

"Why would he go into the forest, night after night, during the season of heat? "

*How did Akemi know that Inuyasha went into the forest night after night? I thought she just stumbled upon him one night and hasn't left him since. If in fact, she was slightly stalking him, then you are definetly on the right track with putting in subtle hints that she was without telling us straight out until you decide to do so, if you planned on it. But if she wasn't then she wouldn't have known that he went out more than that one night, UNLESS of course she was just throwing out a guess to just get Kagome riled up. UGH so many different senarios!!

---------------

"The only ‘if only’,"

*This seems worded weirdly. The way it is now, it says the only, 'if only'. Meaning there was only one 'if only'. If you meant like, *sigh* "Only if only, my prince would come! My problems would be solved for sure! *sigh* (the exasperated kind) then maybe you meant to have the first encompassed by the quotations as well such as " the 'only, if only' ..."

*Also there would be no comma after the only because you never want to separate the subject of a sentence from the verb with only one comma.

-----------------

" If only she had been stronger to take Inuyasha’s love for her. If only Inuyasha had been gentler with her."

*I like how you did this one because Kagome isn't just blaming her self, but she also throws Inuyasha in there as well. It makes her seem less pitiful and more of a stronger person. 

-------------------

" She turned to Akemi, her eyes a dull brown."

*This isn't incorrect! However, it was very close to being wrong. I'm mostly just bringing this to your attention so you can just be knowledgable about it. It's called a misplaced modifier, if you know what this is then you can just skip this section cause I'll just be explaining what it is... (From this point on assume that you didn't tell us that her eyes were violet in the chapter 1, or that Akemi has brown eyes as well). The underlined phrase was meant to modify someones image of Kagome. We were supposed to see her eyes changing to dull brown. However, the way it's phrased now it's actually Akemi with the dull brown eyes. So it actually modifies the wrong person, in other words its misplaced. Therefore, called a misplaced modifier. So just be careful that not only are you describing things correctly but that you also describe the correct object. So the sentence would have to be changed to something like, "Dull brown eyes turned to Akemi." Here's another example if you didn't get my explanation just read it and you should understand, "Covered in wildflowers, Aardvark pondered the hillside's beauty." 

--------------------------

“Don’t ask me such a question.” She snapped. “Youkai do not use such terms. We believe in power, loyalty and survival.”

“But you are hanyou too. You should understand.” Kagome persisted.  Akemi pursed her lips at this statement. The miko made a point there."

*(The periods should be commas) I really liked how you made Akemi focus mostly on her demon side, and let Kagome remind her that she's also part human. That says a lot about Akemi's personality and character in general, as well as Kagome's.

-----------------

"Akemi wished the miko would stop feeling so sad! The waves of sorrow rolled off the miko felt rather uncomfortable. Although she had mostly grown up mostly under her youkai father, she could still sympathise with human emotions since she was a hanyou."

*Why does Akemi wish that? I know you might have touched on it mentioning that she was part human and she was still able to sympathise. But if that was the reason then add a little more as to why she actually wants her stop feeling sad. Because can she really sympathise with her in this situation? She knowingly raped Inuyasha and doesn't regret it, even after he told her that he had someone else.

---------------

"“This isn’t like you Kagome!” Sango exclaimed. “Where’s your anger? Where are your tears, Kagome?” She started to cry for her best friend. “Don’t you feel upset for what that wolf hanyou has done!?”"

*OOH I most love this series of sentences out of this chapter. Many of many situations call for Kagome to be rash or blubber away irrationally. I know this is probably going WAY to indepth, but I feel as if this a slight slap in the face to other portralys of Kagome that always have her either yelling or crying. Also in the anime and manga she's either yelling or crying as well. So this is a nice twist. 

-------------

"“Hanyou,” He said, “What is your name?”"

*Not Capatilized

--------------

“Shiranui.

*missing last quotation

Keep it coming.

interesting. Part of me hopes at some point that Akemi oversteps her place with kagome, and kagome's all BAMF deadpan puts her in her place. B/c she seems like a jerkface, and i would love for her to know that she cant push the lil miko around.

Howdy-doody,

This is a long one. Sorry. Mostly because I was so pumped to beta my first chapter, I might have went over board. If you have anything that you don't like, don't hesitate to let me know, seriously it's not like I have any homework to do now. (Yesh!) 

Shik

Overall:

I've noticed that you used "said [Name]" a lot through out the chapter. Try to focus on switching them up once in awhile or putting some verbs in, such as: "Inuyasha, how c-c-could you," Kagome stammered out. 

Also, I tried to switch up how I relay corrections back to you so... I made a new system from what you are used to seeing.

There are sections that each pertain to an individual topic. These sections are separated by --------. You can see it, just scroll down. The main theme of each section should be one of the last lines (unless the comment was a really long one) and will be marked with and *. For comments based on an individual quotes withing the section but not pertaining to all of them, those individual comments will then be in (parenthese) next to that specific quote. Also, I kept them quoted to that you can go back with your ctrl+F feature and find them quickly. 

-----------

"There were 108 beads in total, thread on his rosary, and every bead represented an earthly desire"

"it was a humbling experience, to listen to life awake to a new sunrise"

" frolic at the thought that he would someday, become a father too."

"They stared at each other, stonily, neither willing"

*No comma

------------

"His meditation was interrupted when he sensed an agitated and powerful youki looming behind him oppressively. Ah, he thought. Lord Sesshoumaru. He wondered why the great Daiyoukai seemed so restless.

Curiosity caused him to pause in his prayer and open his eyes. He was about to turn around to greet Lord Sesshoumaru, only to stop when he saw a white blur speed pass him into the forest. "

*When I read this I was a little confused. Sesshoumaru was just directly standing behind him, and then when Miroku opened his eyes he just sped off? I think there are three different scenarios that could play out here and one of them is what you are trying to go for.

1.) Sesshoumaru is standing right behind Miroku just waiting for him to open his eyes to that he can run off.

*I'm sorry, but this just seems so weird!

2.) Sesshoumaru is standing a distance away from Miroku but Miroku can feel him.

*You might have meant this one, maybe. I can't read your mind just yet. But if you did, then I would suggest replacing the word looming with another or try to reword the sentence. When I think of looming I always think of someone standing right behind you practically looking over your shoulder or down onto your head.

3.) Sesshoumaru is continously approaching Miroku (running toward him) and just before Sesshoumaru passes he opens his eyes.

*If you actually meant this one then when mentioning that he sensed his youki say something about how it's moving.

-----------------

"A thumping sound from within the hut announced to Miroku that Kagome had woken up"

*You need commas inbetween "sound from" and "hut announced". Because the sound announced to Miroku, not the hut announced. So we should separate those words (hut and annouced)

----------

"Closer to her, Miroku sat, meditating on a mat. Kagome walked out to where Miroku sat serenely."

*This is confusing. Also you used sat twice in two sentences in a row. I'd suggest this: Closer to her though, Miroku was meditating on his mat. Kagome..."

"he had been prepared to use force to enforce his status as the Alpha of the pack"

*Force and enforce are very similar words, I would recommend not using them together.

-------------

"“That is unfortunate.” Said Miroku. “What was your nightmare about?”"

" “No… I have not seen him.” Said Miroku, slowly." (also, no comma is need for the second underline)

" great Sesshoumaru-sama for his mercy.” Said Kagome blandly"

"about the sleeping arrangements… ” Said Miroku, stammering his words." (if you want to keep it this way just uncapitalize the s. This would also be a great spot to get rid of said, and just replace it with "he stammered")

"“Miko, this Sesshoumaru –“Began Sesshoumaru." (“Miko, this Sesshoumaru-," began Sesshoumaru.)

*When a just a statement is said and it ends in a period, when it's quoted the peroid should be turned into a comma and "Said Miroku" should just tack on. 

1. "That is unfortunate," said Miroku. "What was your nightmare about?"

----------------

"She shook her head free stress Kagome waved her hand in the air, carelessly."

"as they would be required to behavior nothing short of perfection."

"With a poker face set, she got onto her knees, bowed to him. " (missing a subject for this phrase)

"He had not the miko would oblige so easily"

*Comprehension

--------------------

"She still wasn’t ready to explain to anyone what had taken place the forest with Sesshoumaru."

"turned away from Kagome to look Lord Sesshoumaru"

*Missed a word

-----------------

"Kagome turned away from Miroku and laughed out.  “Yeah! Can you believe it?""

*The way it is now, it says that Kagome laughed out. Then she said "blah blah blah". If you meant to say that she laughed out those words then the period would just be a comma.

"“That is unlike you,” Miroku said, laughing weakly, “Generally you never pass""

*Ok. bare with me here. If you meant that the second phrase was weakly laughed then I'd suggest: "That is unlike you." Miroku laughed weakly, "generally..." But if you meant that the first phrase was weakly laughed then I'd suggest: "That is unlike you," Miroku laughed weakly. "Generally...' Furthermore if you meant that the entire thing both phase one and phrase two were both laughed weakly then I'd go with. "Miroku laughed weakly, "a;lsdkjflak. asldkfjls." And if you just meant that he just laughed weakly not saying anything then just make to two sentences.

--------------------------------------

"He tried desperately to interpret what that death glare meant"

*This might just be me but I think it would flow better if it was "He was trying desperately" because he continues to try and figure out what the glare means. He didn't just attempt to figure it out and then stop. 

-----------------------------------

" At the moment, Sesshoumaru seemed ready to kill anything at the slightest provocation… or was it merely directed at him?"

*I know that if you actually made it this far you are either pretty dejected at everything I've pointed out or feeling some other emotion towards the length of this review. I just wanted to let you know that this sentence (the one in quotes) I thought was fantastic. I really liked it. Mostly because it seems as if it was a really good Miroku thought. I really liked the last part because I can see him saying that conspiratorily. 

----------------------------------

"“Ah, actually, Kagome... I… have something to tell you… about the sleeping arrangements… ” Said Miroku, stammering his words.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sango was woken up by the sound of Kagome shouting loudly in distress. "

*I really liked this transition. Since you didn't keep going on with what was going on with Kagome, Miroku, and Sesshoumaru we don't know what he continued to say or what actually happened. Then you switch to Kagome yelling (and not immediately telling us why) and Sango wakes up. The first time I read it, I totally thought Sesshoumaru attacked Miroku making him shut his trap, and Kagome was yelling at Sesshoumaru. However, I was happily surprised, mostly because it was unpredictable, to find that that was not the case. 

------------------

"while Miroku who was nursed his slapped cheek."

"Sango and Miroku managed her to convince her to wait"

*Delete

-----------------------

"“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EMBARRASSING IT IS?!”She screamed, pacing up and down."

*Space

--------------------

" something frighteningly extraodinary"

*extraordinary

"her bow and quiver of arrow"

*arrows

---------------------------

" In their anger, Both had forgotten to feel "

*Uncapitalize

-------------------

ANNNNND That's it. You are done Congrats! Your first betaed chapter. Pretty sure you are regretting it right about now! Only for a couple minutes though lol.

sr you kidding me!? a clffy (evil writters)  you people are so dang EVIL!!

I really like the tone of this, and you certainly have my curiousity. Please, update cause I love a cliff-hanger.

Love,

Suki

Good job :)

The bit about punishment, "except" should be "expect." Also, Miroku is actually a Buddhist monk and would not, necessarily, be praying to the Kami. However, his praying to the Kami is especially erroneous since he is praying about "earthly sins" and how they relate to heaven. The Kami, and the Shinto religion, in fact, are not concerned with death. Shintoism is explicitly a religion devoted to practices related to life. While many Japanese people practice both Shintoism and Buddhism, it is mostly because Shintoism is for while they are alive and Buddhism for their afterlives. ~SA

Uh oh.... Inu better have his will prepared.  Can't wait to see more!

Sesshoumaru's fluff is typically called mokomoko(-sama), ne. Otherwise, good work so far. Looking forward to future chapters. :3

I am going to apologize right now for how nit-picky these suggestions are. But these are all I could come up with because you explained everything clearly and I had no overall questions about the dream sequence. Other than the over arching question of why would Sesshoumaru act like that, but you have the entire story to answer that question. Anyways, as always love reading your story! Also, I have noticed that other people like to get their grammar suggestions in a PM. Do you prefer them in a review or a PM?

she snuggled against Sesshoumaru. completely unaware that it was not Inuyasha

I think it should be just "Sesshoumaru completely". I'm not entirely sure though if there is or isn't supposed to be a comma. But I do know it's not a period (which I know you know) because then it would be a fragment.

She knew, by the way he took care of Rin.

I think it should be "knew by". Otherwise when it's read it sounds as if... Kagome knew. oh and by the way he also takes care of rin. Kind of like it's just thrown in there.

‘Maybe he was just giving her a wa

lol just missed your italic-izing

 tell-tale tickle on her right side told her that her bandaged had started bleeding again.

I think you missed a noun. 

dragging the fabric off her yukata along with his arms

*of

 ‘Why the hell did he want her to take off her yukata for? For… that!?’

I think you wanted that to be italic-ized as well.

She felt Sesshoumaru wrap her yukata back and an obi secured being secured.

Secured being secured? lol what does that even mean? lol 

 He demanded nothing of her.No obligations, no expectations.

Now this is EXTREMELY nit-picky! I'm sorry lol. But you missed a space.

Please cotinue, I am eager to read what comes next in this story. It is very good and has caught my attention. Also, I would like to note it is far more original than some of the things I have read