After The Rain by CosmicAnomaly

After The Rain

A/N: I wrote this fic in the spur of the moment, I suppose. My first attempt at writing angst. =P. Also, please keep in mind that while writing, I applied my own personal experience with educational systems, not the official Japanese system.

"speech"

"memories"

Summary: The rain always gave Kagome Higurashi something to think about. Sesshoumaru/Kagome. Oneshot. AU.

Disclaimer: Inuyasha does not belong to meee.

I'll leave my window open

'Cause I'm too tired at night to call your name.

Just know, I'm right here, hoping

That you'll come in with the rain.

- Taylor Swift, Come In With The Rain

After The Rain

xxx

Kagome awoke in the middle of the night with the same nagging feeling that there was something utterly and horribly wrong with her life. She was unsurprised at the realization that she had tears in her eyes, and she shut her eyes tight for a moment as she acknowledged how much she hurt inside. Somewhere in her heart, she knew, had known for so long, that something was missing. Although she had been able to suppress her tears impeccably up until now – at least around others – it seemed that on days like today, her pent up feelings would all come crashing down on her.

She sat up in her bed, staring at the dull grey wall opposing her bed. It seemed like for hours, she was lost in the abyss of self-pity, contemplating nothing in particular. The tears kept coursing down her face, and she did nothing to stop them. She blinked occasionally, clearing her vision for a second or two until the next tears leaked out of her eyes.

It was raining, she noted absent-mindedly. The smell of the rain had awoken her.

She had always loved the rain, she recalled. She used to feel that the sky looked ethereal before the rainfall. She could never stay inside when it was raining. She used to run outside as soon as she heard the sound of raindrops. Her heart used to flutter with a kind of excitement as she felt the first drops. She used to love dancing in the rain, feeling the coolness of the water droplets on her skin. Her entire being used to tingle with happiness. The rain, she had felt, was magical. It used to bring to her a sense of completion. It smelt heavenly, and there was just something about the serene way that the world looked when it rained.

Her mother always found it a matter of perplexity that her daughter would subject herself to such silly things even at this age. The girl used to come home completely drenched, with a guilty smile plastered to her face after she sneezed, revealing the first signs of a cold.

Yes, she truly had loved the rain.

But that had changed.

Now, the rain only served to amplify her agony.

Kagome sighed as she slowly rose from her bed to close her window. The tears were clouding her vision – she could hardly see the view outside the shrine as she peered out.

In her melancholy, she barely realized what she was doing as noiselessly made her way out of her room. By the time Kagome regained her senses, she was outside, sitting down on the grass with her chin on her knees, leaning against the Goshinboku.

Her attire – the dull blue pyjama suit she was so accustomed to wearing at home – was already sopping wet. The cotton stuck to her skin in a familiar manner, and her hair was wet and tangled, but none of the familiarity brought her the same comfort as before. None of these feelings felt the same as they did in the past. If anything, the nostalgia only made her heart ache more.

Her tears had not stopped running. How much had she cried over the past two years? She did not want to remember. All she wanted was to go back to the beginning – back when she was a clueless, carefree young girl, back when she had it all, back when life was perfect, back when the rain was her friend.

She could remember those times as if they had just occurred moments ago – but they no longer felt like her own memories. She felt a sort of detachment from her life, almost as if she had simply been an observer of her past.

This life was not hers. Not anymore.

It was not the same.

Not without him.

She could still envision the first time she had met him.

It was on the day of her last exam at university. She would receive her undergraduate diploma in a month. She had been elated – she was finally moving on from the academic part of life, onto the real world. No more tests, exams, no more studying. It felt amazing. And to top it all off, it had been raining then, too.

She had been positive that her day could get no better. She was wrong.

She made her way to the shrine to make a prayer of thanks before dropping her backpack there and running over to the grass. She had her eyes shut in contentment, her arms open in an invitation to the falling droplets. The rain was like her own sort of drug. The raindrops seemed to sink beneath her skin, giving her an irreplaceable rush. She never could get enough of it back then.

When she finally felt the rainfall slow down to a drizzle, she opened her eyes and returned to recollect her backpack. It was then that she had seen him. And her heart had stopped beating.

He was standing outside – he had probably come to make a prayer of his own – equally drenched as her. What caught her attention at first was his beautiful silver hair. His long, silver, tangled tresses. He was staring at her with his honey gold eyes. Just like she was staring at him with her twin ocean blues.

Realizing that he had seen her acting like such a child, she had laughed, feeling slightly embarrassed. He had given her a look of amusement before slightly bowing his head and turning to leave.

He had taken barely three steps away from her when she had caught up to him and introduced herself. "My name is Kagome," she had shared, offering him her delicate little hand and her best smile. "I live here."

He had taken a second before shaking her hand like a proper gentleman and responding with an unexpectedly appealling voice, "Sesshoumaru."

It had surprised him to realize that she was not intimidated by his presence. Most people tended to think of him as an icicle – many a time, his lack of conversation skills had worked against him in the past. But right away, he knew that this girl, she was different. Unnerved by his fiery gaze, she had invited – and almost had to drag – him inside her home to get dry.

Her mother had loved him. She thought he was "a sensible young man". Souta, her little brother, had practically worshipped him. "He's so cool!" her brother added once Sesshoumaru left. Her grandfather had actually left him alone after a grunt of acknowledgement – rather than calling him a demon like he did all other men that entered the house. Even Buyo had liked him.

A week later, after recovering from a cold, Sesshoumaru paid her a visit to formally thank her, and the rest of her family. Kagome did not let him leave until he had dinner with the rest of the family.

Inevitably, the two formed a great friendship over that summer.

She would learn how he generally spoke little, but always wisely.

He taught her how to listen to her surroundings.

He was always in control of his life. Sometimes when she was with him in public, it seemed like the world ran according to him. People would stop and get out of his way. Sales representatives would serve him first. No one seemed capable of saying no to him. Except for her. She defied him like it was her mission in life – they both enjoyed it immensely.

Kagome liked her eggs scrambled. He liked his with the sunny side up. It made Kagome laugh. "Just like your eyes," she used to tease him, referring to the unnatural gold colour of his irises, "-but edible."

She was an exception for him in almost every way. She was the one person – apart from his younger sister – whom he felt comfortable with.

And one year after their first meeting, he had locked those entrancing eyes of his with her own and asked her to go out with him. She did not even contemplate saying no.

She once asked him why he liked her.

It was simple. She was unorthodox. An enigma. That was what had attracted him from the start.

"You are the first adult I have met who actually took the time to stop and appreciate nature."

"I love the rain," she had disclosed, for the nth time. "Sometimes, I feel as if I am the rain," she had announced as an afterthought.

"I love the rain," he confessed, with one of those rare smiles that made her heart melt.

He never failed to take her breathe away.

He made her life complete. It felt almost as if he had fit perfectly into the part of her heart that she had not even realized she was missing before. He made her smile, all the time. He brought out the best of her. She lived him, breathed him. He was beautiful, smart, polite, stubborn, loyal, dedicated, and she loved every bit of him.

In her eyes, he was perfection.

"What did I do to deserve you?" she often asked rhetorically, looking at him adoringly.

"Be yourself," he would always respond, with a satisfied glint in his eyes.

She would pout sometimes, "You're too handsome, and smart, and.. godlike," she would complain, "to be with an average-looking klutz like me."

She had never convinced him. "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder," he would say to her, "-and to me, you are perfect."

He made no sense to her when he said things like that. "You hold me on a pedestal," she would declare sometimes. "-wrongfully."

"As do you," he would reply, amusement visibly dancing in his eyes. "-but you don't see me complaining."

She had once asked him quietly why he never spoke of his family. He had sighed, turning his head away slightly before telling her about his strained relationship with his family. His father, he disclosed, had remarried once his mother had died, he told her. Sesshoumaru, a mere child at the time, had not approved of the relationship – he felt that his father had betrayed his mother. He treated his step-mother and step-brother, Inuyasha, with undeserved disrespect. By the time Sesshoumaru had matured enough to accept the two additions in his life, he felt that his relationship with them had become irreparable. After the fifth birthday of his half-sister, Rin, the family had made the decision to move to Canada. And that was when he had chosen to stay in Japan and finish his education. Without them.

"They love you," she had whispered, once he was done. He raised his eyebrows, as if to ask her how she could be so sure. She shrugged. "They're family. They have no choice."

He had never held more respect for Kagome than at that moment.

It had been two years since they had started going out, and he still turned her legs to jelly. He made her feel unique. Since the beginning, he had accepted her for who she was – including her silliness, stubbornness, and all her little quirks. He acted like her grounding force – it was easy to say that he was her gravity. He was way too good to be true. Life with him seemed so surreal, so much like a fairy tale, that she had been completely lost in it – in him.

He would call her whenever it rained, telling her the sound of the raindrops reminded him of her melodic voice. She knew how uncharacteristic of him it was to be such a romantic, and she relished in his attention. She would tell him in return that the rain reminded her of his masculine scent, and consequently, his tedious days would seem like a breeze.

Anyone who knew Sesshoumaru could easily tell that he truly loved the young girl. She made him feel like he belonged. She ranted often, participated in meaningless conversation with strangers, and occasionally fought with him over the smallest little things – and he loved her for it all. She made him open up, made him feel passion for the first time in his life. Every time she smiled, his stomach felt slightly ill – he later learned to call that feeling 'butterflies'. Not that he had any complaints with that - she made his heart soar with pleasure. Hours would pass by like seconds when he was with her, and he knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. No one would be a complement to his personality.

When he had graduated from law school, he had taken her out to dinner at a high-end restaurant. It had been drizzling slightly that night. He had proposed to her, right underneath the Goshinboku. She could have sworn that the planets had all aligned at that one moment. It had been the happiest day of her life.

A month before their wedding date, Kagome had insisted that he patch things up with his family, even if he did not intend to invite them to the wedding. Reluctantly, he had conceded and booked a ticket to visit them in Toronto.

At the airport, she had hesitatingly revealed her insecurity to him, "What if.. what if they don't want you to get married when you tell them, Sesshoumaru? What if they don't think I'm good enough?"

He had hugged her with his free arm. "They have no right to interfere with my affairs," he had stated boldly. Why did it even matter what others thought of her when he had deemed her worthy? When he saw her quivering lip, though, he looked into her deep blue eyes before offering her some comfort. "Rin will love you," he assured. "She will come back with me for the wedding."

Kagome had beamed at Sesshoumaru upon hearing that. "I can't wait to meet her! She sounds like a doll!"

Kagome had been sitting at her porch, admiring the rain, already missing his soft hair and his steady gaze and his deep voice. The smell of the rain reminded her of him even more. She could hardly wait for his return, to meet his family – hopefully they would come to the wedding. She looked at her watch, he should have been in Toronto for a few hours now, she figured.

It was about nine in the evening when she had heard Souta yell from inside. He had almost given her a heart attack with that noise. She got up to go inside and check on him while he rushed on his way to her, tears coursing down his cheeks as he choked out, "H-his plane crashed, Kagome."

Souta could hear her heart shatter as she lost all of the colour in her face. He had barely been able to catch her as she fell unconscious.

Kagome learned later how the plane Sesshoumaru had been on had been unlucky enough to get caught in one of Canada's infamously unpredictable weather shifts.

No survivors were found.

"I will return soon," he had vowed her as they had parted.

Fake promises.

It had been because of heavy rainfall.

It had been because of her.

"I am the rain."

"Please go talk to them, Sesshoumaru. For me?"

His death was all her fault.

He was dead.

It was her fault.

No, it was the rain's fault.

But she was the rain.

Oh, how she despised the rain.

Sometimes, she wished that she could just push the rewind button and fix it all. None of this would have happened if she had not pushed him against his will to meet his family. If only she had kept her stupid mouth shut.

She had murdered her love. How could she face herself now? How could she face the one she loved?

Was the sky crying with her today? Did it feel her agony? She hoped that it was in at least half as much pain as herself. She hated the stupid rain. She could not tolerate it. It only served to remind her that it had taken her love, her life, her Sesshoumaru away from her.

They were supposed to get married.

Perhaps she was going insane. It only made sense, after all, she was missing her other half.

Kagome saw lightning strike in a display of madness. Thunder growled, and she yelled, "I HATE YOU, SESSHOUMARU!" Her voice broke as she whispered, "I still have a lot to say to you. You promised me forever, damn it!"

She clutched her chest. She could smell him in the rain. She closed her eyes, imagining that he was right beside her, holding her tiny hand in his larger, warmer one.

Perhaps it was time to accept that he was gone, and was never going to come back.

God, that made her want to huddle up in a corner and die.

"You're killing me, you know?" she sighed. "We were supposed to have been married by now. I probably would have had your child. And she would look just as beautiful as you," Kagome choked.

Sesshoumaru had broken the hearts of countless fangirls, she knew. She just had not known that hers would also be on the list of hearts he would break.

Her heart was dead. Just like him. The heavy feeling in her chest had never seemed to lift after the untimely death of her fiancé. Truth be told, all she really wanted to do was join him in death. Life, to her, seemed dark and cold. The only reason she was still functioning was thanks to her devoted friends and family. But it was evident that she was no longer the same Kagome – and she never would be.

Which was why it had surprised her a great deal when an old friend of hers, Kouga, had proposed to her last month. He had told her that he was ready to wait until she was ready to move on, accepting that he would never replace her first love.

Was she allowed to move on?

Truth be told, she did not even want to.

The thought made her feel sick inside. She felt like she was betraying Sesshoumaru. As if she had not done enough to hurt him already.

Not only that, she was afraid to move on. The last time she had dared to fall in love, it had ended in such pain that she was too fearful to even think of loving someone like that again. No, she could definitely never think about ever loving someone else.

"It's okay," he used to tell her whenever she had been afraid. "I'm here."

But he was no longer here. He was gone.

How could she even think about moving on, when Sesshoumaru was gone, leaving her with a defective heart that could do nothing but pump blood.

"What would I do without you?" she used to sometimes ask him rhetorically, in jest, knowing his response.

"Fortunately, I'm not leaving you," he would assure her, in a cocky tone "So you don't need to know."

He had left her. And life meant nothing anymore.

"I never think about you, you know," she lied to the sky.

The sun was almost about to rise when the rain slowed down to a drizzle. For the first time in a two years, it had an almost calming effect, and Kagome finally gave in to the rain, allowing it to wash over her feelings of disdain. She allowed herself to indulge in the smell of the rain.

"How could you go to all the way to heaven without me?" she asked, swallowing the lump in her throat. As if he could hear her.

Did he hate her? She often found herself wondering. Perhaps since he was in a much better, peaceful place than her, he would forgive her. Or maybe he would see her suffering without him by her side, and pity her.

"I love you," she muttered to the wind.

And somewhere, from the depths of her memories, she could almost hear him tell her he loved her too.

"It hurts, Sesshoumaru. It fucking hurts."

As the last drops of rain fell, Kagome wiped her now swollen eyes, and got up. There was bound to be mud all over her when she got home, but at the moment, she was too tired to care.

She took a shower, changed into decent clothes and visited Kouga before his morning jog. It should not have come as a surprise to him that she chose to reject his proposal, but she was sure that she had just broken his heart.

Well, she was sure, at least he would recover from the heartbreak.

When she returned home, she told her mother of what she had just done. Although her mother gave her a hug and assured her that she would always support her daughter's decisions, Kagome could see the worry swimming in the elder woman's eyes.

Kagome could tell that her mother had wanted her to settle down. And sometimes, she felt the unspoken words from her family stab the very essence of soul.

"He's not coming back, Kagome," the walls would sometimes utter. "-and you're not getting any younger."

It seemed that she was guilty no matter what she did. One way she was betraying Sesshoumaru, and the other way, she was hurting her family. There was just no way she could win at this.

The day that Souta graduated from highschool, he quietly entered her room and sat at the edge of her bed. She hardly noticed. "Kagome?"

"Hmm?" She looked up at him.

"I want you to do something with your life."

That was unexpected. "What?"

"Listen, I miss Sesshoumaru a lot too, but I didn't give everything up in mourning, okay?"

Kagome immediately grew defensive, angry. "How could you even presume to think that he meant the same to-"

"He's gone, Kagome," Souta whispered. She could already feel the stinging tears cloud her eyes. But to her surprise, Souta seemed to be facing a similar dilemma. His voice broke as he continued, "He's gone, and it sucks like hell. But we're still here, okay? And we love you. Just like he did."

But you're not him, Kagome thought. You can't replace the hollow feeling I have inside.

"And you're missing out on life. On us. Do you even know what day today was?"

Kagome raised a brow – Sesshoumaru's signature move – before shaking her head in response.

"I graduated today. Why didn't you come?" Souta asked. It did not have an accusing tone to it.

Kagome opened her mouth to respond, and then she closed it. She had forgotten. Her mother had probably reminded her earlier, but then again, Kagome had not spent even a minute thinking about Souta, his life, or his problems. Not for the past three years. She had not spent much time thinking about anything but herself and her past, she realized. She had been drowning in self-pity for three whole years, and she had forgotten all about her family – and they had been with her all along.

"I'm so sorry", she breathed out. And she truly did regret it.

"We're family, remember? We love you unconditionally. We have no choice." He had no idea how much his words were hurting her as he continued, "-and it's because we love you that we don't want you to rot here in your room, okay? I mean-," he hesitated for a bit. "-we just want you to be happy."

"How?" she breathed longingly, as if happiness was some kind of far-fetched dream that was only achievable in fairytales.

"You tell me, Kagome. Tell me what would make you happy. Tell me, if he were alive, would he want you to be acting like this? All you do is go to work, come home, eat, and sleep. You need to change, Kagome."

And he was right, of course. Just like that little voice in her head that kept telling her to leave the past behind.

When had he grown up so much? Had she been wallowing in self-pity for this long? Where did his birthdays go? Where had the time gone?

She allowed herself to digest what Souta had just said to her. It made sense. She had been entirely too selfish so far. She had other people to think about.

For hours, it seemed, she remained in deep contemplation. When the night fell, she rose from her bed. "I understand," she told Buyo, who had snuck into her room.

Self-reprovingly, she faced the reality – she had hurt her family, people she loved, who loved her in return. People who were alive. Just like her.

In fact, she had become more of a burden than an asset to her family. She had caused them enough pain. She vowed to herself to try harder, for her family. She was going to change. No matter how much she hurt, she was going to try hard to give them a Kagome to be proud of.

But first, she needed a change.

If she saw the Goshinboku outside her window anymore, she would kill someone.

She went to work with a determination that she had been lacking for ages. She convinced the head of human resources at her branch that the company would do better with her transferred to another branch, as far away from Tokyo as possible. She had earned herself a post in New York as a result.

For the first time in what seemed like eons, Kagome felt a hint of satisfaction course through her blood. She felt something other than pain. It was a welcome feeling.

Her family and friends had been somewhat concerned with her decision to move, but they had eventually caved in, saying that if she was sure she wanted this, they would support her decision.

It was not going to rain today, she noted, looking out the car window. They were going to the airport, and in a few hours, she would board the plane that would take her to New York indefinitely.

The farewell was long and tearful, but Kagome managed to maintain a strong front. "I'll be back s-" she caught herself before she made a promise she could not keep. "I'll be back someday."

After promising to take care of herself and call home as soon as she arrived, Kagome left. Soon enough, was seated on her plane and ready to depart.

Fear manifested inside her as soon as the plane lifted off the ground.

Sesshoumaru's flight must have travelled the runway in the same manner. His ears must have been plugged as well. He must have excited to meet his family again. He was probably nervous to see them, too. He probably had absolutely no fucking clue that he was about to die within the next twenty-four hours.

"Excuse me, miss?" questioned the clear voice of the plump lady sitting beside her. "Are you okay?"

Kagome swallowed, before looking outside the window. They had taken off. She supposed this was goodbye, to all those familiar places, those loving faces, and to all her memories of him.

She twisted her engagement ring from Sesshoumaru, finally pulling it off her finger and enclosing her palm around it.

"Yes," she affirmed, smiling slightly. "Yes," she repeated, almost surprised at herself, before adding, "I'm fine now".

xxx

The End

A/N: Done! Andd I know the ending feels somewhat hasty - it's no excuse but it was.. almost dawn, and I was tired of writing by then. LOL. But whatever. What did you think?

++Will this be continued? I don't know. To be honest, I think that this fic stands pretty well on its own as a one-shot.