The Condom Hilarity by MissTeak

Chapter 1

I do not own Inuyasha or any of the characters.

A/N: Here is MissTeak’s reply to Sugabelly’s Condom Challenge! This is too fun to miss, and I will try my best to do this excellent idea justice. Of course, safe and protected sex is the way to go. This story is purely for our twisted entertainment. Enjoy!

The Condom Hilarity

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

“Sesshoumaru, please be reasonable.” I tried to keep my voice steady, but it was not too easy as we were caught in a very, very awkward position.

I swear, if this was some scene in a porn video, I would have literally laughed my head and ass right off. But unfortunately, it wasn’t, and I found myself lying naked on my back on a rather mossy rock by a raging waterfall. The waterfall formed an impossibly gorgeous background to the impending lovemaking I was about to experience, but that was not all.

My legs were spread wide apart, wrapped around a very toned and firm torso. More specifically, his torso. Droplets of water that fell upon our heated skins only served to accentuate the OMFG-hotness that the demon between my legs possessed. And you guys haven’t heard the best part.

His cock, erect and proud in its full glory, was poised a mere two inches away from my soaking wet pussy, which was shielded by my hand. I could practically feel the steamy heat between our nether regions, mixing in a blend of heady scents, but I was unwilling to give in to his…demands. Well, he was the one who was being unreasonable, and I was determined to make him give in to me.

“Remove your hand, Kagome.”

“No.” I glared, trying to calm my traitorous harsh breathing down. I cupped my hand tighter around my entrance, refusing to allow him access. I waved my other hand in front of him, where a Durex Fetherlite warming condom was held between my thumb and index finger. “Use this, and I will comply.”

“This Sesshoumaru refuses to go along with such…meaningless antics.” He said stoically, while those godlike hips moved forward so that he could nudge at my hand with his erect cock. It felt erotic for sure, but I was not going to give in to him.

Waving the condom in his face again, I replied. “Well, this Kagome is sorry to tell you that wearing a condom is not an antic. It is for safe sex, to prevent unwanted pregnancies.”

“You dare bar this Sesshoumaru’s royal, perfect, potent seed from your body?”

Oh my god. Someone please quote him in the dictionary, beside the word “chauvinist”. And perhaps add a citation note, like (Sesshoumaru, 1568), or something. You have my permission to put his face there if we ever need “The epitome of male chauvinism”.

“I’m not barring it from my body.” I retorted. “I am going to drink all of it up, alright? I wouldn’t waste a drop of your oh-so-impressive semen.”

He seemed to contemplate it for a moment. “No. This Sesshoumaru detests the idea of wasting such perfect, virile seed.”

OH GAWD. Why do I have to be ‘dating’ the most impossible man/demon on earth? Talking to him most probably reduced my lifespan by a good five to ten years.

“Well, this can help prevent sexually-transmitted diseases-”

My words died in my throat as he snarled angrily and glared at me. “This Sesshoumaru has no disease.”

Help. I was either going to die of sexual frustration or emotional frustration by now. All I want is to not get pregnant. There was no point in trying to be stubborn around him; he could do it a million times better.

“Okay, okay, we know you have no disease. But look, this is going to be fun!” I tried to hype him up, showing him the label of the foil package. Smiling at him coyly, I added in a sultry voice. “Sesshoumaru, I'm telling you, this is the latest, best-selling Fetherlite warming condom. It tingles. It feels just like skin. It makes things…hotter.”

He raised an eyebrow.

Hmm. Not quite the reaction I was expecting.

“Woman, are you implying this Sesshoumaru doesn’t warm you enough? In what way is he not hot enough?”

WHAT?! I groaned with frustration, mentally running through all the horrible things I could do to the demon kneeling between my spread legs. Just so you would know, I was seriously contemplating giving him a good, firm kick to send him flying straight into the flowing river behind him.

“I just don’t want to have that terrible pregnancy scare again, Sesshoumaru…” I whined, wiggling my hips such that my breasts could bounce so as to seduce him. “Be honest with yourself. You are not quite ready to be a father, aren’t you?”

Essentially, I don’t want to be mother. He is dying to be a father.

“That’s not true. If you become pregnant with this Sesshoumaru’s heir, we will definitely take full responsibility for it. The pup will be well taken care of. This Sesshoumaru would like the idea of having a pup with you, Kagome.”

It is virtually impossible trying to get through to him, as I’ve just realized.

“Hello?? What about my opinion? I don’t want a pup. Not yet. What if I get all those stretch marks? What if I lose my figure forever? Haven’t you heard of ‘prevention is better than cure’? Or the word ‘pre-empt’, for that matter?”

“Don’t you ‘Hello’ this Sesshoumaru. He understands not the unrefined language girls of your time use.”

“Oh, so now I am unrefined? Fine, you can be spared the agony of having sex with the unrefined likes of me.” I muttered, having lost my patience with my lover. He was really infuriating me with his smartass comebacks.

Pouting, I looked away, trying to inch away from him.

I knew he was bound to relent in three seconds.

Three.

Two.

One.

“You want to use this because it warms.” It was supposedly a question, I presume, but it sounded more like a statement.

“Right.” I replied stubbornly. “It’s the latest and most popular one too! You have no idea how embarrassing it was for me to buy it at the convenience store when everyone was giving me subtle glances.”

He contemplated it for a second. “Very well, we shall use this.”

Yay for Kagome! I inwardly cheered, and instantly removed my hand from my sopping wet entrance. Thank goodness he relented; I was practically going nuts with the sexual frustration.

Sitting up, I leaned in to kiss my beautiful demon lord on those perfect lips of his, before travelling southwards to take the head of his penis into my mouth. Giving it a few loving sucks and a sweet kiss, I tore the foil packet of the condom open and slowly rolled the Durex Fetherlite condom onto his impressive manhood. It barely fit because he was just so huge, but I managed to put it on for him. Now I would have no worries.

Sesshoumaru leaned in to cover my body with his, kissing my neck furiously. It felt so good, and as I closed my eyes, purring in pleasure, I felt his cock enter me swiftly. That elicited a loud moan, and I buried my face in the crook of his neck…

It was only two months later, when I stared at the pregnancy test kit device in utter shock and disbelief in the chambers of the Western Lands castle, did I realize how stupid I was to have closed my eyes before he penetrated me with his cock during all those lovemaking sessions. That cunning old dog had apparently sliced the tip of the condom before entering me.

“Sesshoumaru!”

I screamed, stomping out from behind the folded screens and down the long corridor to where he was meditating calmly in the Zen room.

“What is the meaning of this, Sesshoumaru!”

He exhaled slowly and opened his eyes to regard me nonchalantly.

“Well, dearest Kagome, you said you liked the warmth that…condom provides. This Sesshoumaru finds the tingling sensations oddly pleasing as well. But you did not say it had to come without a hole.”

Then he smiled. As innocently as he could manage it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

The End.