I rather enjoyed the story; you have an interesting premise and the developments occurred timely for the most part. There were a few grammatical mistakes and wrong word use but nothing so major as to induce a headache. No, the headache-inducer is a diferent matter altogether.
As you are an aspiring novelist, I feel compelled to point out to you: please copy edit and format your story to break the great big blocks of text you have. Multiple dialogues should not coexist in one paragraph; a new speaker always gets a new paragraph. Having Kagome and Sesshomaru's dialogue follow one another within the same paragraph is distracting -- it spoils the enjoyment of the reader and makes it hard for the reader to follow what is going on. A good guide to formatting is a newspaper article. Read articles from NYT, Reuters, AP or BBC News and take note of how dialogue and information are disseminated and organized. Utilizing this basic format will help your stories and ideas flow better, and also help immerse your readers into the world you are creating for them.
Don't depend on blogs or Buzzfeed, as their grammar and formatting are not what novelists and professional writers employ.
I hope you don't mind me pointing this out -- it is just that many do not say anything in reviews to help the author improve for fear of being accused of trolling or picking on said author. I only decided to say this because although your walls of text were painful to get through, I managed to finish your story because you have managed to interest me in your tale and to keep that interest going tlll the end. So don't stop writing; keep developing your potential.
Just don't forget to format more. Cheers. :)
loved it. this was very good story. once again i loved how sesshoumaru was depicted in this fanfic. keep writing and i'll keep reading. c'ya'
This was a lovely story. Truly you have a talent. I feel Kagome was very well portrayed. Thank you for this wonderful story. I look forward to someday purchase a book by Lynn LeHew!!
wonderful absolutly wonderful and just so you know it is well past midnight because i wouldnt put the story down
i love this story, keep going write more sessho/kagome story :D
Beautiful story!
Great story and I enjoyed it.
It's very captivating so far. The demon capturers are very realistic and vile. It's great! Their way of discerning her innocence or lack thereof was very…traumatizing, to be sure- at least for Kagome. I enjoy your story so far. It’s definitely caught my attention. I’m hooked already.
--KD
Oh, I just wanted to let you know that her name is Kaede not Kaeda.
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