Good chapter, consistent punctuation and grammar, and good use of the first person perspective without any jarring point of view changes. The only point of critique I feel the need to offer in this chapter is that you have used numbers as in digits like this: 2 months, instead of writing the word 'two'. Generally the rule of thumb is that you should only really use actual 'numbers' i.e. 1234 and so on if you're refering to dates, metric volumes, or days in a particular month, i.e. you're refering to things like this:
Years: 'It was the year 1942...'
Dates: 'Kagome circled the 24th of November on her calendar'
Metric weights: 'Sesshoumaru jiggled the bag of rice. He was certain that he'd purchased a large 24 kilogram sack'.
Instead you've tended to use numbers like this:
Example:
"...First, we will choose 24 females, the 24 most outstanding of all the females and evaluate them until one proved her worth, you can take the other females as your concubine though."
"Who will choose those 24 women?"
"3 or 4 months. Do not worry. I will help you choose the right one."
Explanation:
In the first sentence you are refering to a number of women or likely youkai, and it would be more appropriate to write the word 'twenty four' and not necessarily to have the number in there instead, even though the effect is the same. It makes the sentence look untidy, especially when you've done the same thing to refer to the number of 'months' in the next sentence, but in that same one, you've chosen to write the word 'one' instead of the number '1'. Since you're not refering to dates such as a particular year, a day in a month, or a reference to some kind of volume or metric weight measure (e.g. 40 inches, or 50 metres), it would be more appropriate to use the written version of the numbers, and not the actual numerical digits instead.
This is a common error among many writers, and although the numbers are understandable, it makes the sentences as a whole look untidy, unless of course there is a reason for the use of numbers in reference to something in particular, again such as to tell the reader that a specific year, or calendar date, or a volume or weight or height measure has some kind of significance. Like the following:
Kagome looked up, saw the sheer sides of the cliff-face, and recalled that the guide had described it as a 'nasty 200 foot drop into churning rapids'.
I have used the number '200' in the above sentence to illustrate that the cliffside is a 200 feet high, an appropriate usage of numbers in a piece of fiction.
Other than this, the chapter reads well overall.
Keep it coming.
wanda (Chapter 21) - Mon 12 Nov 2012
| I just found this story. It was confusing at first since I've been a fan of Inyasha and Sesshoumaru/Kagome stories for a long time but soon got into the story. I do hope you continue.
your so evil i just found this fic and want more! update!
Where have you been? I have not heard for you in two months, I'm your back. Great chapter, keep it coming.
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