Ok, I like the story idea and it looked like it would be good but.... ummmm. Your basic writing, grammar, puctuation, etc. needs work. I wanna be as nice as possible about this and please don't take it the wrong way.
1. Whenever someone speaks, thinks, etc etc, or the sentence will at some point contain speach, start a new line. Hit enter and then write "blahblahblah". Or when you're writing in one persons POV and switch to anothers, that should start a new paragraph/line as well. Read other fictions and see how its done.
2. Be nice to paragraphs. A paragraph isn't just a lump of sentences put together. They shape your story and control the pace, so if you clump it all together, like you did, it will make the story look to rushed (plus give the reader a headache).
3. Commas are your friends. These guys , , , , , are not for decoration. They also set the pace of the sentence and help divide things up so that it makes sense, you can also use them to avoid too many 'and's.
4. Don't always use caps for shouting, surprise, or shock. Exclamation marks !!!! work just as well. Caps are fine too but sometimes they can crowd the paragraph or the page if you have too many things in caps.
5. There is no shame in have a Beta/editor, if you have difficulties with the aforementioned things its a good idea to get one so that they can go over your story, fix things, polish others, correct spelling (which a lot of young people have today because everything has been turned into text speach so spelling has gone down the toilet) and help you out.
As an example I'll do the first few lines of your story for you. Hopefully this will help you to understand. If you'd rather just get a beta instead of worrying about this all yourself then I'd be happy to oblige.
“Heya kags, how are ya?” Kagome's best friend asked a busy Kagome, fixing her order before she even walked in the door .
“Its ok Sango, way too busy though. Hold on a minute I’m almost done with yours, I just ran out of whip cream.” Kagome said and ran to the back to grab a new bottle from the refrigerator. She returned and placed some of the bottles cream in each of the 4 cups.
Sango grabbed 3 red coffee straws from the cup on the counter. “You are such a life saver every morning. My boss would have my head along with Miroku's.” Sango grabbed the plastic coffee holder and handed Kagome a 20 bill. “I'll see ya tonight.”
Kagome handed her, her change. “Heck yea Sango, I cant wait to see the movie, bye.” They both giggled and waved good bye to each other. Kagome smiled and watched Sango leave, she glanced up at the clock above the door and her heart stopped. “Oh My God! Dad it's 11 I gotta go!”
Kagome's dad ran out from the back room. “Okay hurry up and get to school, I’ll hold down the fort till you get back. Oh crap, hun can you take this cup to that hot stud right there?”
Kagome looked to where the dad was pointing to and nodded her head while taking the cup from him, rushing to bring the cup to the customer. She was almost at the couch he was sitting at, (this comma here is optional depending on the length of the sentence) but tripped on her own shoe after trying to dodge someone who was in her way. The coffee cup went flying from the small plate it was resting on, fell on the man's leg, and fell again to the floor with a crash.
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