it is a very well written story. In all honestly not my type. but none the less good. keep it up.

aaaaaaaawwwwwww, that was sad! *wwwwwwwwaaaaaaaa*

That is a beautiful story I enjoyed reading it . I hope to read more of your work :)

Okay, leaving grammar out of this (mine is really horrible sometimes, too XD)

I would say the things that stood out most to me as needing more attention or to be fixed up are the structure- too many stand alone sentences where they could possibly be formatted as paragraphs. And the second thing is the tense of the fix, I don't know, but it seems like you were telling it in present tense (you don't see that often with third-person perscpective, but there's nothing wrong with it) but there are pieces here and there were it's in past tense.

Keep at it and best of luck in your writing! :)

I love this i cant think of a single thing that needs to be changed *tears up*