Love Yourself by Forsaken Faith

Love me and i will love you.

Love yourself

Kagome sat silently in the small garden. The garden she created with her own hands. HER garden. She felt more attached to this small piece of landscape than she did to anything else in this place, this home. No, this was no home. Not anymore anyways. She was drowning in self hatred and self pity. She hated the way her life had turned out. She hated all that it was. Well, not all of it. She loved her child, her little baby boy or girl. She had just been informed she was pregnant two days ago. She had yet to tell her fiancé that, but she was planning on it. This was the main reason for her self hatred. She didn't want to stay here. She never wanted to be tied down the way she was. With this man, this man that had turned out to be nothing like she had thought at first. She remembered the first day she met him. It was four years ago. She was only seventeen at the time. She saw his luring eyes and was entranced from the first time their eyes collided. Collided, that described all they did now. Every other word out of her fiancé's mouth was silence. Now that makes very little sense to most people, but it was all too real and understandable to her. Well, maybe not understandable. The saddest part was that the other half of his words was saying that she can't do this, or she can't do that. She was being trained on how to be the perfect wife for him. You see, her fiancé was the heir to a very wealthy and powerful kingdom. He was to be the next Lord of the West. As for her, she was to be the Lady of the West. To normal girls this would make them scream and jump for joy. Not for her. All this meant for her was that she had to become something completely different from which she really was. She was no longer really Kagome. Oh no, she was Lady Kagome. This is everything that she had never wanted. She was molded and forced to become this high standing women, well she wasn't. She didn't want to grow old in a life like this, and she didn't want her child to either. Kagome looked longingly up at the darkening sky and sighed.

The worst part of all....she loved him. Yes, she loved Sesshomaru more than life itself. She couldn't help but wonder though, if he loved her back, wouldn't that mean he loved the real her? Wouldn't that mean that he wouldn't want to change her? How can there be love if you can't be yourself? There is no love. The love would be false if you had to change someone to make loving them ok. No, he did not love her. He couldn't. It just didn't fit in with the concept of love. If the old saying was correct, he wished her to leave. "Action's speak louder than words." She whispered the saying out loud to herself as she pushed herself up off of the grassy expanses of the walkway lining the blossoming flowers. She walked among the rainbows of flowers as she let the floral sent filter through her nose.

Kagome walked back to the now cold home. She knew he wasn't home. He wouldn't be home for another three days. He was away with his father getting contract drawn up for the transaction of tittles and what not. She used to be interested in all of the legal issues of his kingdom, but not after he closed her out. She lost all interest in his dealings after he turned his back on her. It stung her heart more than she'd care to admit when she saw his back. That seemed to be all that she saw lately. She could describe it in perfect detail if need be. She lowered her gaze to the stone steps that led to the large wooden door that was the entrance to this dungeon. Yes, it was a dungeon to her. She lifted her right hand to the doorknob and twisted it softly to the right. She lightly pushed the door open and felt the tarnished stench of loneliness seep into her mind. She slowly walked through the empty furnished in wood hallway to the living room. She looked up to the mantle on top of the fireplace and let a sad, remorseful smile caress her raspberry lips. There was a large framed picture hanging on the tan walls of a happy couple. Their smiles illuminated the dimmed room. She felt a tear abuse her eye as she blinked rapidly to restrain it. The picture was of Sesshomaru and her. It was of the day he proposed to her. It was such a happy night. They used to be so loving towards one another, and now....now it could never be the same. He turned cold again. What hurt was that he wasn't just simply cold, no, he was cold towards her. He heart broke a little more every time she looked into his locked up eyes. His eyes should never be that locked away, not when he was looking at her. She might be selfish, but that mattered little in the scheme of things. The things she wanted were not too mush to ask for from someone that is supposed to love you. All she asked for was love. Maybe it was too much to ask.

Kagome turned and walked up the crimson carpeted stairs that led to the Upstairs portion of the house. She walked slowly once she got to the top of the stairs. She saw about five boxes with labels adorning their cardboard surfaces. She bit her bottom lip as flashbacks assaulted her memory. Just because they were happy once meant nothing now. She couldn't stay for that. She couldn't live for her yesterdays. She reached down slowly and reached for the first box that was labeled 'shirts' and heaved it up into her arms. She turned back around and slowly made her way back down the stairs, careful not to trip and tumble down. Once she got to the door that led to the garden she set the box down next to the door and opened it. She picked the box up a little easier this time and exited the house. She walked around the garden that was on the right side of the house and walked up to her blue Ford Escort that was parked on the long circular driveway that led to the house. She opened the unlocked back left side door and set the box in. She made multiple trips back and forth to get all of the boxes situated. Once they were all in the backseat she shut the door. She took a deep breath and walked to the driver door. Her left hand was on the handle when she realized she forgot one more item. She walked back to the door and went into the living room to find her house key. She forgot to lock the door. She couldn't just leave the house unguarded. She located the silver key and snatched it off the coffee table that sat between two twin leather couches. Next to where the key once lay was a neatly folded up letter with the name 'Sesshomaru' written in nice penmanship. It was her letter to him. It explained all that she could hope to explain. She turned to go back to the door when a glint from the dieing sun caught her attention. She focused her eyes on the cause. She slowly walked towards it and looked at her reflection. It was the picture. She could see herself and her old self in the picture, and she hated what she was now. She slowly reached up to touch the small black circles that lined her eyes. She moved her shaking fingers to the non-existent laugh line that she once wore with pride. She had changed so much, and none of it was for the better. She reached her tired arms up and grasped the frame of the picture on both sides. She lifted it a little ways to take it off of the nail that had held it for so long. She set the picture softly on the hardwood floors and then looked back up at the now bleak wall. 'It needs something.' She thought. She gave a small half hearted shrug and then reached down to pick up the picture with her left hand. That's when she knew exactly what was missing. She lifted her left hand up and inspected her silver engagement ring. It had a heart shaped diamond in the middle and nothing else. She scowled at the ring and slowly took it off. She turned once again to the empty wall and stood on her tip toes. She reached her right hand out as far as she could and just barley reached. She put the ring around the nail that looked so out of place. She settled back on her feet and pivoted around. She walked towards the back door once again. She contemplated taking the picture, but it didn't seem right. It wasn't how things were now, so why would she want to have a memory of something that only hurt? A sad song she heard a few days ago floated around in her ears. This was the song that gave her the incentive to move one. It was 'Wasted' by Carrie Underwood.

Standing at the back door

She tried to make it fast

One tear hit the hard wood

It felt like broken glass

She said sometimes love slips away

And you just can't get it back

Let's face it

Kagome reached her right hand out for the handle as her exhausted eyes resigned to letting out one tear. She knew she couldn't have her happy life back. Without the love, there was no way she could live.

For one split second

She almost turned around

But that would be like pouring rain drops

Back into a cloud

So she took another step and said

I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it

Kagome turned the handle and pulled the door slowly open. She knew there was no coming back. She locked the door and set the key on a small key hook that they had by the back door. She felt the tingle of doubt creep up her spine. She felt like running to her car and bringing all the boxes back in. She could make it ok again, couldn't she? No. It would be useless to stay. Nothing would change. She stepped outside and pulled the door shut. She heard the lock click and it slid into its home. Now there was no way she was going to get back in, and that was perfectly fine with her.

I don't wanna' spend my life jaded

Waitin' to wake up one day and find

That I've let all these years go by

Wasted

Kagome walked around the garden for the last time and up to her car. She opened the car door softly and got into the driver's seat. She shut the door once she was settled and searched for the car keys. She found them above her in her visor. She took the key down that was connected to a smiley face key chain and put it in the ignition. She silently turned on the engine and put the car in gear. She wanted to desperately to look back at the house she lived in for three and a half years, but she knew she couldn't. She didn't want that life. It was only making her increasingly bitter. It was turning her heart cold, and she didn't want that for herself. She felt a slight shift in her stomach and smiled softly. She didn't want that for her baby either. She slowly drove on the circular driveway until she hit the straight road. She kept driving with the reflection of the now blackening house glimmering in the review mirror. She was headed to her friend's house. Smart? Not very. The smart part was that Sesshomaru didn't know who this friend of hers was. She had met her in the market one day, and they instantly became friends. She knew she could settle there for a while. Sango understood her pain. Sango would give her a free bed and a warm supper. She couldn't ask for more. All she really knew about her plans for certain was that she wouldn't turn back now. No, not now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sesshomaru sighed heavily as he drove up the driveway that led to his home. He had just turned off the radio after hearing the song 'Stupid Boy' be Keith Urban. It hit way too close for comfort. He knew he wasn't being the perfect fiancé, but it's how it had to be. If his fiancé didn't like it, she would have to get used to it. He was soon to be the Lord of the West. This is what needed to be done. This is how his father treated his mother, and this how he would treat his wife. She had to get her fairy tail ideals out of her head. She was going to become the Lady of the West. He soon got to the front door of his house and put his car in park. He lifted his right claw to the bridge of his nose and rubbed it softly. It was midnight and he was so very tired. His trip had taken longer than he had expected. He had to stay and extra two nights in order to have everything all prepared for the signing of the contracts. He had forgotten to call Kagome and tell her, but he figured she was fine. She always spent all her time in the stupid garden she had insisted on having. He indulged her and let her make it. It kept her busy anyways. He put his fingers around the car key and turned off the black Mercedes. He took the key out and slowly opened the car door. He stepped out of the car and softly pushed it shut. He walked towards the front door and fiddled with the key chain. He found the house key and grasped it. He reached the door and inserted the key into it proper place and unlocked the deadbolt. He turned the brass doorknob and opened the slightly heavy door. He stepped into the dark and soulless house. He shut the door behind him and put the key on a little key holder that was bolted on the wall next to the door. He turned around and was about to walk toward the stairs when he felt something different. Sleep clouding his senses; he walked into the living room. The fist thing he noticed was that that horrible picture he had been forced to take was on the floor. He looked at it questionably as he walked towards it. He let a soft smile slightly brighten his face as he looked at his fiancé. She was so gorgeous in this picture. She never smiled like that anymore. He supposed it was because of him, but that wasn't anything he could help. The questions came back once he escaped the hypnoses of the picture. "Why is this on the floor?" He asked aloud to himself. He then let his gaze travel up to where it should be resting. He furrowed his brow at what he saw. He was something casting a shadow on the darkened wall. He reached up with his right claw and touched the shadowed object. He felt it and realized it was round. He narrowed his eyes in confusion as he took a hold of the object and let it fall into his waiting hand. He frowned when he felt it. It felt like a ring. He walked to a lamp that sat on the coffee table and turned it on. He noticed the note immediately. Dread filled his heart and soul as he opened his hand and saw a ring. No, it wasn't just any ring. This was the ring that he gave to Kagome, his fiancé. His eyes widened as he felt the reality of the situation sink in. His arm fell limply to his right side as the sound of the ring clattering to the surface of the coffee table echoed throughout the hollow room. He felt fear race through his body as the sleep wore off of his now alert senses. She....she wasn't here. She hadn't been here for five days. She...she left him. Sesshomaru's heart moved a mile a minute as he crumbled to the black leather couch. His eyes became un-focused as he looked at the white folded up note, and the ring that lay forgotten beside it. He was dreading that note. He never wanted to read the words she had to say to him. Regardless of his thoughts his hand reached deftly out towards the letter. He lifted it into his hand and contemplated shredding it, but decided that wouldn't help anything. He numbly un-folded the letter and gazed down at the words written in black ink. He slowly started to read what the contents of the letter said.

Dear Sesshomaru,

I know this may seem unexpected and cruel, but I assure you that was not my intention. As I am sure you have concluded I have left. This letter is not to put the guilt on you, or to justify my actions. This letter is to simply inform and explain, if that makes and sense at all. The main reason I have left is because love is something that I can not live without. I could not stay here any longer feeling as though you loved me not. I love you with my whole heart, but it is broken. I have no more love to offer. The reason we give our love is that we can have it returned; otherwise there is just an empty spot in your heart. You need to get love back to fill that empty spot Sesshomaru. We used to be so happy and in love, and now, now we are growing farther and farther apart. You used to smile at me Sesshomaru. I mean really smile, none of that fake crap. This house used to be a home, a home where I would feel safe. Now, it is like my dungeon. The first year we were engaged was marvelous, what when wrong? Was it me? Was it you? Or worse, was it your title? I do believe it is the later. You turned cold Sesshomaru. You block off your heart and wouldn't let me in. You were slowly becoming cruel as well. The way you would criticize me for my ideas. The way you said that I could do nothing. It hurt. It all tore slowly at my soul. Then you wanted to change me. I was molded into your perfect mate. This was the last straw. Didn't you tell me that I, as myself, was your perfect mate? I am no longer myself. You always said that you loved how I was just simply myself no matter what. What changed? Why did I have to change if what you said was true? Was I not good enough? Was I not proper enough? Was I not perfect enough? What is so wrong with me that I couldn't be myself? Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. I am sorry if I have ruined you reputation by leaving, or tarnished your honor, but it had to be done. Maybe someday you will find a woman who makes you smile even when you are a Lord. I wish so desperately that that could be me, but it can't. I love you with my whole heart. You will always be the man I love. I will love no other.

- Kagome

Sesshomaru gripped the letter tightly in his right hand as he let it fall to his knee. She left, because of him. She left him, and he was at fault. He crumpled the letter as he remembered the first day that he met her. She was so care free and open. She was wild, and yet so pure. She didn't conform to what anyone wanted, but he had made her. He forced her to become something even he didn't want her to be. The song that he heard on the radio sounded loudly in his head.

Well she was precious like a flower

She grew wild, wild but innocent

A perfect prayer in a desperate hour

She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy... you can't fence that in

Stupid boy... it's like holdin' back the wind

He had fallen in love with her for who she was, not who she could be. She was perfect the way she was, and he hated himself for making her think otherwise. He promised her his love and soul, and he had betrayed her. She had given him everything he could have possibly wanted in a mate, and he ruined it. He tore her apart with the cruel coldness that he had become. He hardened his heart against her and forced her to wallow in loneliness. She had loved him, and he took it for granted. He constantly told her she couldn't be anything but his mate. She must have felt so trapped, and.....broken.

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice

And that's what happens when the only voice

She hears is telling her she can't

Stupid boy

Stupid boy

He had forced himself to believe that the only way he could ever be the Lord of the Western Lands was to be the strongest. He had to be the best. He had to boost himself as high as he could. He had to be the exact copy of what people thought they needed in a leader. He pushed her down to feel stronger. He had to control something, and he knew he could control her. He knew she loved him with her whole heart and would follow his rules. Kami, how stupid could he be?

So what made you think you could take a life

And just push it, push it around

I guess to build yourself up so high

You had to take her and break her down

Well...

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice

And that's what happens when the only voice

She hears is telling her she can't

Stupid boy

Stupid boy

Why did he do that to her? He loved her, he really did. She made him happy. She made him smile. She made him feel.....alive. Oh Kami help him. How can he fix this? He always told her she was wrong. When she was trying to help with something he always forced her away. He just had to prove he was right with his belief didn't he?

You stupid boy

You always had to be right

And now you lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice

And that's what happens when the only voice

She hears is telling her she can't

Stupid boy

Stupid boy

He stood stiffly from the couch and looked around the room. It felt as if the darkness was closing in around him, and bringing the walls with it. He looked up at the stairs that led to their bedroom. For a split second he entertained the thought of this all just being an incredibly not funny joke. He shook his head free from the ridiculous thought. It was not joke; this was the UN forgiving truth. He had forced the woman he loved to leave. He walked numbly to the stairs and climbed them. Once he got to the top he took a left and walked to their.....his large wooden bedroom door. He reached out for the knob and twisted it. He pushed the door open and entered his now cold room. He walked over to the white comforted bed and just stared into the emptiness of it. She had left. How long did she feel the way she felt? How long did he make her suffer?

It took a while for her to figure out

She could run

And when she did

She was long gone, long gone

He let the pain and guilt swallow him whole and he trudged to the mirror on the far wall. He stood deftly in front of it staring at his reflection. Self loathing seeped from every pore of his body as he gazed into his eyes. His heart shattered more as he realized she probably felt this every day. He closed his eyes tightly to barricade in the tears. No, he would not cry. Now was the time to be strong. Tears would fix nothing. He had lost her, no, he had let her go. He made the only one that held his heart leave. He deserved the pain. He deserved every bit of it. He turned sharply from the mirror to conceal from his own reflection the crystal that dropped from his right eye.

OK! So what do you all think?! I just got so inspired to write this! I had to! So please review and all the good stuff. I'm not sure yet if this is going to become a story, so as for right now, it's a one shot. The songs in this are 'Wasted' by Carrie Underwood and 'Stupid Boy' by Keith Urban. I do not take credit for any Inuyasha characters or these two songs. Thanks for reading! _Forsaken faith