Heaven's Kingdom by Death Sinatra

Heaven's Kingdom

Heaven's Kingdom

'I've always loved the words 'Heaven's Kingdom.' Because it holds so much meaning. Because it means hope. Hope for all of us. Hope for you and me.'

I never got to say what I wanted to say...

I'm sorry.

He let his tears fall onto the dirt, the liquid seeping through the soft texture.

I'm sorry that I was never there to protect you.

I'm sorry that I didn't get to keep my promise.

The wind blew his snowy-white hair into the wind. The blades of grass bended softly.

I'm sorry that I never got you what you wanted.

I'm sorry I didn't give you the peace you needed.

A tiny slip of sunlight made its way through the thick clouds onto the very place she lay. It was a stairway. Just for her.

It was a very rare natural occurrence. But he didn't care. He didn't see its beauty.

Nothing was more beautiful than she was. Nothing will ever be.

I'm sorry for being so stupid.

I'm sorry for keeping him away from you.

The soft stream of sunlight made the dust and fur in the air seem like feathered wings. Her wings. The wings she was using to get to heaven.

I'm sorry I'm not him.

I'm sorry I'm not Sesshoumaru.

He was at the lake.

The lake where she had told him everything.

About how she loved the phrase 'Heaven's Kingdom.' About how she wanted to be the angel to live there. Everyday in the most beautiful robe of white.

She had described it to him that day, the robe. It would be a simple white. Nothing more. It didn't even need to be silk.

Yet she had said she would love it.

He'd thought her to be foolish. There was no one who would love a piece of rag.

Except for her.

She was different. Not because she wanted to be, not because she needed to be.

But because she was just plain and simple different.

Now she's gone, and he didn't know whether or not she had gotten her wish. He couldn't be there to make sure she had her kingdom and her robe.

He was just like his brother. Unable to keep his promise to her.

Inuyasha was unable to keep his promise to protect her, and he, the promise to give her the robe.

It was her last wish.

Yet he was unable. Too afraid to leave her side.

And now, all he could do was place the hand-made robe by her. The robe that he made himself, for days on end.

The blood on the other pieces of cloth would tell him to never forget.

And forget, he shall not.

They could still remember her smile. The one she would now be wearing forever.

She laughed before she fell. A laugh that held in all her pain and sorrow. It had given them all hope.

They were foolish, to believe in something such as that.

She was wrong, after all.

Hope would only bring disappointment. Hoping will forever be in vain. Hoping is wicked.

She was wrong. She was too innocent for her own good. Innocence was never be able to bring any happiness for anyone.

Anyone... Except for her.

She was always happy. Always content. She had always held the cheerfulness they had lacked. She had always been the light to brighten the day. She was always the one to bring out the other side of people.

She had changed him, she had changed everybody. In so many ways.

No one got the chance to say the words. The magic words.

'Thank you.'

Too late.

He had been blind.

He hadn't seen her everlasting elegance, then. He hadn't seen her beauty, when it was really so obvious, clear in the open. He hadn't known that she was so close to perfection. When he himself was so far away.

He had strove for the perfect everything since the day he was born. He had trained hard, to be perfect at strengths. He had studied hard, to be perfect as to think of proper combat in war.

But he wasn't perfect. He was anything but.

There was always this little glitch in his plans, always something out there that was more powerful than him. That was why he did everything he could to gain this power, to fix the glitch.

He had never been able to succeed.

He never would.

The only person who was capable of succeeding was her. But she hadn't. She had never wanted to be perfect. She only wanted to be her. She had never wanted any more than the robe, and the kingdom.

No one was able to give her what she wanted, though. Everyone was too caught in their own needs to notice hers.

She was Mistress Sunshine to all of them. The kind of sunshine that people never care for until it was too late. The kind of sunshine that everyone depended on. Because she was the kind of sunshine that people would die without.

He was dieing too.

It was hurting. His heart was hurting so much.

Ouch.

She was here, and there. She was everwhere he looked.

Yet he didn't see her. He couldn't find her. She was just there. Always watching. He wanted to talk to her, he had so many questions.

Was she wearing the robe? Where did she live? Did she live in the Heaven's Kingdom? Where was the kingdom?

Was she really there?

He felt as though he was looking at her, when all that was around him were trees and other plantation.

Either his mind was playing tricks on him, or... She really was there. Her soul, at least. But there, nonetheless. He couldn't seem to decide which was closer to the truth.

He knew that her old companions felt the same way as he did. Inuyasha, at least, because he had been seen talking to nothing. Saying things that he wouldn't ever say to anyone else but her.

He wished she could hear his words. They were just for her. Everyone knew.

But even if she wasn't really there, Inuyasha wished that, somewhere up in heaven, she would hear his words. Inuyasha had a strong belief that she was in heaven somewhere, that her soul would always be in heaven.

There was never a 'what if.'

'Thanks for coming out with me tonight... I really needed someone to talk to, but everyone else is occupied.'

She had thanked him, when he had really done nothing but walk with her in Inuyasha's Forest, and hearing her out.

'I remember... When I was but a child of six, my mother bought me a book. It was a large book with beautiful pictures, each and every one of them so real...

'I was so happy that day. It was my favorite book since... Forever. I still love it now. I wish I could have brought it with me. I'd show you. The staircase, the kingdom, the robe...'

That was the beginning of her explaination of her interests. She described all of them.

She had said that the staircase was a natural occurence one might never get see in their many years of life, and would be very lucky if it appeared for them. She had said that she wanted to use this very staircase to visit heaven.

'I've always loved the words 'Heaven's Kingdom.' Because it holds so much meaning. Because it means hope. Hope for all of us. Hope for you and me.

'You may think I'm a fool for thinking so, or that I will probably never get to my Heaven's Kingdom, but I can wish. There's no harm in holding just a little bit of hope. Any amount of innocence would never hurt anyone. It's natural to want, to need. You should never hold back because of someone else's opinion. You shouldn't do something just to please someone else. It's okay to be thinking of yourself.'

She was so wrong about that. She spoke of her own experience. She didn't know that there are indeed others out there suffering. She never got the chance to get hurt because she was always in protection.

He had wanted to see her suffer, once upon a time. It was surprising how so much could be changed in so little time.

'And the robe... It was so beautiful, so natural. When I first saw it I thought it was the kind of robe that real angels wear, and I'm still guessing that it was.

'It was made out of cloth of the purest white. I didn't think the painting could get anymore brighter; and it looked so soft... I could almost feel it between my fingers.

'I could see that it wasn't silk -there weren't any silk in heaven, were there?- But it looked so smooth and light nonetheless.

'If only I could wear it, everyday in my Heaven's Kingdom. I would give my life for that wish.

'But... It's not that I don't know. Because I do. It's impossible.

'There is no texture out there that can be softer than silk. There is no kingdom in heaven, and I'm sure as hell it wouldn't be constructed for me... Nor would the staircase.

'Don't you hope, want, need once in a little while? Haven't you ever felt the arising need for something you want so bad, that you would give your everything for it?'

He thought so much about it that day. And...

Maybe he had wanted something just like that.

He had wanted to see her safe and happy, that he risked his life protecting her. Even if it was brief, and the attack on the opposing side wasn't really to rescue her, but it had saved her life.

That thought just proved that she was right at one point. Wishes didn't come true. Not even when it was wanted, needed.

It was so much harder than he thought, to forget about that day.

Maybe it had been her words, maybe it had been what had happened afterwards, but nothing could make him forget, no matter what.

And then she had made him promise, to never forget. Given him the curse to forever remember. He should have hated her for that, and he probably did.

It was so funny how love and hate were so alike, yet all the time defined as the opposites. It wasn't. They were synonyms.

A person would feel the same towards a person he or she claimed to hate, to a person claimed to be loved.

One would have the same reactions, the same feelings. People just never thought about it that deeply when the word was created.

There was something special about her that had him unable to forget every single word that came out of her lips, something that made his heart do flip-flops whenever she was there.

It was something he loved and hated. Something that he couldn't get enough of.

He tried to get more of the feeling from her. He had hid in the shadows, watching her every move. He had seen her delicate smile, heard her joyous laugh, experienced her special gift to make everyone else as happy as she was. It felt so good to feel her presence.

The need, it had always been there, just as his need to attain the greatest powers, had. It was always following him, going wherever he went, until it was him instead, that was being pulled to follow. It was a feeling that could not be ignored. Never.

It was quite funny, really.

In the six days they had known each other, an odd kind of 'friendship' was already formed in between, linking them together.

He had opened up a little to her. It may have not been a lot, but quite a large admount more than he showed others. For that she must have been proud of, and he was quite glad to give her his attentions.

She reminded him of his ward.

They've both been free, cheerful, and with the ability to make the sun shine brighter than it was.

But now, whenever he looked at Rin, he was painfully reminded of her, and he found himself turning away, leaving a sad and confused little girl behind. He needed more time, to get over her. The task seemed to be impossible.

Maybe he should have told her. Maybe he should have taken his chance while they were at the lake. The running water would have helped with her decision.

He had known that she was still crazily infatuated with his half-brother. He knew she loved him, although more a friend than lover. Yet the thought always made his stomach churn painfully, even now. He had more than one reason to resent the hanyou for.

Every now and then, he found sleep very tempting, something that had never even let itself be known before.

Sleep. He didn't know if he'd ever wake up again if he closed his eyes.

In the past couple of weeks since she had gone, he had been painfully tired. Sleep took him every couple of days, when originally he could have kept on without for at least two whole weeks.

Every time he closed his golden irises, the image of her face pops up into his head, always giving him that gentle smile he found himself in love with.

He was letting his imagination run free, something that he had never done before. But now he found that he could not control it anymore, and he started to see things. Would this be his long awaited downfall? He had always wished to die honorably, though.

He could see her extending her hand, wearing her robe. It truly did look enchanting on her, unlike when he had made it.

The cloth looked so much brighter than the ones that he had sewed together, and it certainly did look much softer and lighter. Her raven-black hair swung around her wildly, a contradiction with the robe.

He reached out, wanting to feel for himself. Was the robe really that smooth like she had described? But when his fingers felt nothing, he felt like crying. An impossible action for one such as him. But he wanted to. Needed to. The urge was so strong...

Her face contorted to one of sadness, and she leant over to whisper in his elfish ears, tugging her cheerful smile onto her face.

Why didn't it look as real as he remembered it?

"Thank you."

Then he did cry. He wept for Kagome.

Author's Note : I'm contemplating whether or not to 'continue.' By that I mean whether or not I should write how this fic came to be. Give me suggestions, review me. This is important to me. PLEASE don't rate unless you leave a review. Especially if you go anywhere other than 10. Tell me what I did wrong.