Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha.
A/N: Sorry if you weren't included, I just had so many people I could put in. Also, sorry if you don't like the names I gave you. Trying to get good pirate names for close to twenty people wasn't easy. And the Mad Miko moniker belongs to Kirai, who graciously let me use the name. Hope you enjoy!
A Dokuga Pirate Tale!
“Cap’n Fluffy? Ye might want to see this.”
Sesshoumaru, known by his terror-inspiring moniker, sighed. “Arr, I be tharr in a minute.” He got up, out of bed, and started dressing. “I shall return, wench.”
And with that, he left his first Mate to deal with his… well, First Mate. “Skye, I do not appreciate being taken away from my mate.”
Skye rolled her eyes. “Aye, I know, Cap’n, but… well, look!” With that, she thrust her spyglass into Captain Fluffy’s hands, and pointed over the ships’s railings into the horizon of the tastefully drawn sea.
Sesshoumaru looked, and then looked again. “That be Black R0o and her fleet, the Plunneh Horde.”
The ship’s First Mate sighed and rolled her eyes. “Aye, that it be. Your orders, Cap’n?”
“Ready the mainsail! Hoist up the colors! Get to work you scurvy dogs!”
“Um… Aye, Cap’n.” Well-used to her captain’s eccentricities, Skye went off to alert the crew, and get them to battle stations.
The crew knew who really ran their ship, the Dokugian Rhapsody. Skye was an efficient leader, and well made up for the Captain’s utter inability to lead in a time of battle, which was usually every day. No, really, the crew was getting ready to demand they take a vacation to Fiji or something. Boarding and pillaging and all-around-pirating was only so much fun for a month or so.
“Ahoy there, you!”
At the sound of their First Mate’s call, the trio of bodies turned. Rowdy the Reckless was a terrifying pirate, as was her twin, Tulip Tenchi (despite the horrible pirate name… Tenchi was fond of tulips, and her stubbornness and skill with her cutlass was terrifying enough to make up for that). Their sister, Dirty Blue, was just as pirate-y.
“Aye, Cap’n?”
Skye sighed. Apparently, it was a hard-wired thing in pirates, to address everyone as Cap’n, except when in front of Cap’n Fluffy.
“Dirty Blue, Reckless Rowdy… Tulip Tenchi…” As always, Skye fought to keep from laughing at the non-pirate-y-sounding name. “Man… er, woman your battle stations. We be sightin’ Black R0o off the starboard bow.”
“Aye Cap’n!” As one… well, really three, they started running around like chickens with their head cut off. Skye sighed yet again. This crew gave her headaches. Eventually, she know, the Trio would settle down and be perfect competent pirates.
Attention drawn by the Trio’s antics, Skye noticed that the crew slowly got the idea. Varlet Velvy, who had been a-squabblin’ with Bloody Rika, gave one last insult to Rika’s eyepatch, and then ambled to her battle station. Bloody Rika mumbled something that might have been “Scurvy? I’ll give YOU scurvy!” before going to her own.
There was a bit of trouble when Dangerous Dragon and Malicious Monti were fighting over who got to shoot the bigger canon, but Skye solved that by making them do Rock, Paper, Scissors, and put the loser on one of the smaller cannons. Monti was likely to gloat all through the battle. Filchin’ Foxy was, to her credit, at her post, but making very suggestive actions with her bayonet, and looking lustfully at all the crew in eyesight. Skye just shook her head, and went to make her own preparations for battle.
“Ahoy, Crew, get ready for battle, and do not underestimate Black R0o and her Dread Plunneh Horde!” Skye shouted out over the natural din of a ship getting ready for battle.
“Um…. Miss Skye?”
Skye turned to see Terrible Tal looking at her. Normally, Tal was the fiercest of pirates, bloodthirsty and didn’t scream like a little girl when Black R0o and her crew were on the horizon. But today, Tal stood there, looking every inch a miserable pirate (which, normally, pirates were, but Tal just seemed to add an extra bit of misery to her persona) and holding a box of tissues.
“Yes, Tal?”
“May I be excused from this battle? I’m sick.”
“Not a chance,” Skye snarled. She was sure this battle would be tough even with Terrible Tal. But with Tal the Sickly Pirate? They wouldn’t have a chance. “You’re gonna man… er, woman one of the cannons. All you have to do is stand there and light the fuse. I’ll get one of the grunts to do the heavy work.”
“Thank ye, Cap’n Skye!” And then Terrible Tal staggered over to one of the cannons. With the motion of the sea and her sickness, it wasn’t surprising that a poor grunt soon felt her stomach’s wrath. After that, she turned surprisingly cheerful and looked ready to light the fuse whenever Skye gave the order.
In what seemed like no time, probably because the author was running out of ideas to write about, Black R0o’s Dread Plunneh Horde came into view. Skye stood at the wheel, tense, and ready to give the order.
On Black R0o’s flagship, the R0opantscapade, the scallywag herself was there, cackling evilly, with her first mate, the Dread Spider Itsy by her side, also laughing evilly. Also on board, Skye could see several of the crew, also sneering and making other such nasty expressions.
“Ahoy, Cap’n Skye!”
Well, the niceties must be observed. “Black R0o.” Skye scowled. “What brings ye to these waters?”
Black R0o shook her finger. “Now, now, Cap’n Skye, don’t be so mean! Me crew was bored, so I be thinkin’ that yer crew ‘n mine be havin’ a contest.”
“.. Contest.” Skye repeated blankly. “What kind of contest be this?”
“Why, we be pirates, matey! What other kind of contest be tharr, other than a drinkin’ contest?” Black R0o reached to point to her halo, but then realized that the horns holding it up were a mite crooked. With an embarrassed leer, Black R0o fixed it.
Skye crossed her arms. “There was that one time, on Tortuga, when it wasn’t a drinkin’ contest, but a ‘Who can seduce the most bishies’ contest.”
Now it was Black R0o’s turn to scowl. “Now, that contest tweren’t fair. Tharr are no bishies in Tortuga, accepting yer Cap’n Fluffy. And that wench Kagome was already his mate, so that be no contest.”
“Still, we won that one.”
Black R0o sighed. “Aye, that be true. But only ‘cuz you cheated.”
Skye raised an eyebrow. “Pirate,” She said simply, with an added tone of “Duh, you idiot.”
“Arrr, blast ye and yer pirate-y logic” Black R0o shook her fist at Skye.
“Aye. Now, ye said a drinkin’ contest?” Skye got back to the important part of the conversation.
Black R0o smiled innocently… or attempted to. Skye knew her too well to think that that black-hearted pirate was innocent. “Aye. Which ever crew be still standing after this will be allowed to prank the other crew.”
And, with those tantalizing goals in mind, they got back down to the serious business, drinking.
Since Skye was reluctant to let any of Black R0o’s crew on board, and vice versa, they hailed a passing ship, commanded by the Neutral Pirate, Forthy and her first mate, Direct Dany. The captain was well known for never choosing a side and mediating between the pirate crews.
Black R0o’s crew boarded Forthy’s ship first, the Dread Spider Itsy leading the way. Next was the Plunneh Horde’s own Black Trio, Kissin’ Kirai, Tanglin’ Tangy, and Lecherous Lisa. The peg-legged pirate, Terrifyin’ Terri-Tots swung over, as did Silent Sidhe. Wicked Wicked, known for her all-around wickedness, stood on the deck, leering… wickedly at Skye’s crew. Last to board the Neutral Pirate’s ship was Nasty Naraku, one of the few male pirates on the seven seas.
When Skye’s crew boarded, that trio immediately went to the Horde’s trio, talking and threatening in a most pirate-like way. The rest of the crew members likewise paired up, except for Tal, who stood on the sidelines with Forthy, holding her tissue box and sniffing miserably.
And then they got down to the serious business of drinking. Rum, of course, was the drink of choice. Skye and R0o, unlike their crew who were telling good stories full of lies and exaggerations, sipped at their drinks and commiserated with each other over stupid things their crews did.
Two hours into the contest, as usual, things turned ugly. Varlet Velvy was the one to start it off, insulting Itsy’s clothing. Tangy, in defense of her First Mate, threw the first punch.
Soon after that, like all good pirate get-togethers do, it became a seething mass of cutlasses, knives, and insults. It was momentarily paused to allow the crews to go back to their own ships, as Forthy didn’t want to get involved, and all pirates respected the Neutral Pirate, and so Forthy sailed away, as the crews got ready for a nice battle. Direct Dany, always blunt, told the crews that they were being idiots for trying to start something on the Neutral Pirate’s ship.
Black R0o’s side was the first to fire a cannon. Kissin’ Kirai, always the nasty pirate, fired the Plunneh Horde’s Smut Plunneh Cannon at the Dokugian Rhapsody.
The battle then commence, with much waving of cutlasses and giving of wedgies. Even Tal, the Sickly Pirate, got into it, sneezing on people and throwing her used tissues on Black R0o’s crew, until Skye told her to stop it, because there are some lines even pirates shouldn’t cross. Silent Sidhe thanked Skye after that, and then tried to stab her with her sword, being a decent pirate. Skye politely replied “You’re welcome,” and then fought her off.
Filchin’ Foxy was perhaps the exception, as she wandered around in the battle from one ship to the other, flirting and giving lustful looks to both sides. Maybe in its own way it was a form of battle, because Nasty Naraku fled from her advances. Skye considered altering her pirate name, but was then otherwise occupied when Black R0o started a swordfight with her.
The Trios from both ships were having a grand ol’ time, threatening and fighting and insulting the others’ family. Terrifyin’ Terri-tots, from Black R0o’s crew, fought off both Dangerous Dragon and Malicious Monty with her peg leg. Plunnehs from Black R0o’s horde were dying all over the place.
“What is going on here?!” The yell stopped the battle cold. All eyes turned to see Captain Fluffy hiding behind his mate, the lovely lady Kagome, sometimes known as the Mad Miko. She had her hands on her hips, and was glaring murderously at the fighting pirates.
Black R0o shifted nervously. “Well, we were just having…”
“Just having? Well, your ‘just having’ interrupted my nap! Do you know how rare it is to get a nap on a pirate ship? And after Cap’n Fluffy shivered my timbers?”
All eyes shifted to Captain Fluffy, who had a hand trying, and failing, to cover his blushing cheeks. Raucous laughter was only prevented by the look on Mad Miko’s face.
“That’s it! All of you, back to your own ships! I’ll have no more of this ‘just having’ business!” Kagome scowled so fiercely that the pirates did as they were told.
And just like that, the battle ended. Black R0o sailed away, a bewildered look on her face that matched most of her crews’ looks.
“Um, Cap’n Skye?” Terrible Tal sniffled. “Does that mean we won?”
Skye blinked. Cap’n Fluffy and his mate had already retreated to his cabin, most likely to play another game of “shiver me timbers.”
“We’ll say we did. Now, bring out the rum! But… quietly.”
“Aye aye, Cap’n!”
Skye absent-mindedly steered the wheel, going to relish that first bit of rum going down her throat.
“Um… Cap’n?”
She turned to see the trio, Reckless Rowdy, Dirty Blue, and Tulip Tenchi standing before her, shifting nervously. “Cap’n, it seems Black R0o stole our rum.”
Miles away, Black R0o cackled as she thought about the poor, rum-less crew of the Dokugian Rhapsody.
“Um, Cap’n R0o?”
“Aye? Where’s the rum?”
“Well, Cap’n,” Kissin’ Kirai shifted nervously, mirrored by the rest of the Black Trio, “You see, it appears that during the fight, when we were carrying over the rum, someone’s musket managed to poke holes in all the rum. There’s none left, Cap’n.”
On a ship miles away, as Direct Dany started to answer some of the letters that were sent her way in a rather blunt manner, looked up. “Um, Cap’n Forthy?”
“Yes?” Forthy twinkled merrily, as she petted one of her biddies.
“Did you hear that? It sounded like two ships full of people screaming ‘Why is the rum gone?’”
Forthy just twinkled some more. “I’m sure you’re mistaken.”
Shrugging, Dany went back to bluntly calling the idiots who wrote her stupid stuff morons.
And so, the sun set on three ships, two ships holding very miserable pirates who were not drunk like good pirates should be. The last had one occupant, twinkling merrily, humming a well known sea shanty.
“Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.”
THE END
A/N: Arr, this not to be taken seriously at all, matey! It be a Crack fic! Ye'd better leave a review, else the Dread Cap'n Fluffy will make ye walk t' plank! ;)