Deep blue eyes narrowed at the frightened but sad womans' face. Pathetic , she was just pathetic. She did not like deceiving him , in fact - she felt pretty damned horrible about it, but it was necessary. He would never understand how she felt. He would see it as an insult and it really wasn't. It had nothing to do with him. It was her and her own insecurities . Since the death of their first pup she had been terrified of conceiving another , uncertain if she could ever go through something like that ever again. The emotional pain was just as damaging as the physical and she was certain if it happened again..she would crumble.
She had been ready to give up on everything , including life , and it terrified her to her very core. That was why she did it. It was that fear that had her going to that little herbal shop in the heart of the city refilling her ' medicine ' like clockwork. It was that near crippling anguish that had her swallowing that little pill every day diligently- she even had her pocket secretary set with her reminder ....just in case she forgot.
He had told her since her ' resurrection ' that he would welcome having a pup with her , though she knew him to never lie...she still was uncertain. She had seen his treatment of his little brother Inuyasha in the past and she was painfully aware of how society viewed mixed species beings. Neither side accepted them and they were outcasts. Inside she longed to be a mother but her fear was far stronger than the desire to bear her mates' offspring.
She had to be very careful though so that her mate would not scent the presence of foreign substances in her system - hence the reason she went the herbal route , it could be easily explained. She was positive he would not be able to tell what they were for if he scented their presence. If he did , she decided it would be best explained as nutritional supplements...easy.
She did not discuss it with him for the reason that he would think that she did not want to have his pup - taking it as some kind of personal attack on himself. Like he was not good enough to sire a child with her or something , so not the case - but that would not matter. He was an Inu and they were easily insulted , never good no matter how you looked at it.
No , she had to keep it from him , and she would - though it could become quite difficult as time went on as he would begin to question why she was not conceiving despite his attempts to pup her. Kagome decided she would deal with that when and if that occurred , confident by the time he began to have concerns - she would have a viable reason already worked out. Until that time came though , she would continue to take those tiny pills religiously and endure the crushing guilt she felt each time she did. She had to.
*****************************
" Hey , Sessh..." Inuyasha called out as he hurried to catch up to his brother before the demon got in his car. " Where you goin' ? "
Sesshoumaru looked at him , " I don't think it is any business of yours...is it ?"
" Dude , I was just going to ask you to pick up something for me. No need to get all pissy about it." the hanyou muttered , insulted by his elders' attitude.
Sesshoumaru sighed heavily , his junior could be so damned juvenile at times , though he was far from the age of being one. " Fine , if it will keep you from pouting and whining ...what is it you require ?"
" Well , you know that supplier where we get our ' gear ' from ? I called in a special order and I just need you to go get it is all. " he replied , noticing that his brother seemed to be preoccupied.
" I won't be back for a few hours but I will pick it up before I return. " he said.
" You okay there Sessh ? You seem a little spacey . " he leaned against Sesshoumarus' car , something he knew the guy hated . He said nothing about it and Inuyasha knew then that there was definitely something wrong.
To the hanyous' shock , the demon mirrored his position , leaning against the gleaming finish of the vehicle , " Kagome ...still has not conceived a pup yet , despite our attempts. I fear there is something wrong ." he stared off at the cloud that floated lazily over head.
" Yeah , I know you've been trying - the whole city probably knows as well. You could erect a barrier you know. The world doesn't need to hear you two goin' at it..." he heard his brother sigh heavily and the young Inu realized that it was a serious subject - adjusting accordingly. " What , do you think she may have permanent damage from the miscarriage ? "
" It is beginning to look that way. " Sesshoumaru replied quietly.
" Well , all I can say is - keep tryin'. If you think it would help the matter , consult a doctor. There are tests for this sort of thing ."
Sesshoumaru nodded , " I am aware of that. I am just afraid that if the tests reveal she did suffer damage , it would devastate her. I had such a time convincing her that I would welcome a pup with her that if she finds she cannot become a mother...."
Inuyasha patted his brothers' shoulder , " It'll work out. What I don't understand is why her miko power did not heal her . You think that it would y'know ? Well , like I said , don't worry bro - you'll get to be a dad soon - I'm positive . Don't forget that stuff. It's all taken care of , just pick it up. See you later."
Sesshoumaru watched his little brother walk back to the house , hoping the hanyou was right . He had told no one of the ' dream ' or ' vision ' - whatever you want to call it , while he lay unconscious during Yamomotos' attack on him and his mate. He felt it was something that was not meant to be discussed , that the being had meant for him alone to know what was said.
Since that night , he had diligently strove to pup his mate , not that it was a chore to do so ....far from it in fact. Six months they tried but it just would not happen ...it was most disheartening. Kagome did not let it get to her though - she remained quite upbeat about it and would tell him that they would just have to continue trying. Gods love her. Her faith that it would happen for them managed to make him dare to believe it too and it inspired him to try just that much harder , determined to impregnate his beautiful mate. She would be a great mother - he just knew she would. It was just a matter of when it would happen. His offspring was destined for greatness , though the being never told him when or how , just that it would.
He climbed in his car and started the engine , heading out to complete his tasks for the day. He and his mate had taken the day off to catch up on things they had neglected for some time - feeling that once the Hokito project got fully underway , they would barely have time to do much of anything really - though he did inform her that no matter how busy they got , he would still continue their efforts to conceive a pup - even if he had to take her right there in the office on lunch breaks. She just smiled at him.
******************************
Shippo sported the biggest grin anyone had ever seen when he arrived to speak to Inuyasha about taking a leave of absence. In fact , the kitsune seemed as though he was about to burst something and Datsuko just had to find out what had the fox so damned happy.
" I'm going to be a father! " he announced happily. " Shioris' pregnant."
Datsuko smiled as well , " Congratulations kid...man - you work fast! You two haven't been mated but two months. "
Shippo puffed out his chest proudly " Yeah , we wanted to get started as soon as possible.." he was interrupted as Yasha came into the room.
" Started doin' what ?"
" Having a family. Shiori is pregnant."
He raised an eyebrow at the news, " Just what the world needs , another one of you running around. "
" Hey , fuck you Yasha."
The young Inu chuckled , " Congrats there kid , let's hope the brat looks like his mom. Hey , you probably should keep it quiet though. "
Shippo knitted his brow at the though of staying silent about his child , " Why's that ?" He was a bit insulted to be expected to keep silent about something so joyous....until the hanyou decided to fill him in.
" Because , Sessh and Kags have been trying to conceive a pup since her rescue , that's why. It could upset them . Just ...wait a while okay ? They've been through a lot they might get discouraged."
Shippos' face fell then , " Man , I had no idea that was why they were going at it all the time ...I jut thought they were just horny as hell." he looked a bit sad then , feeling sympathetic to the plight of his friends.
" Don't look so down , you're going to be dad - be proud dude." replied Datsuko. " Yasha , care to break out those Cubans you hide and think we don't know about?" he eyed the hanyou , silently telling him he was an ass to make their friend feel so down on such a happy occasion.
" Uh- sure. We'll have to smoke them out back though. Don't want Sessh scenting them and wanting to know what we were celebrating. C'mon kid , let's go celebrated your total loss of freedom." he said jovially. He really was happy for the kitsune , he just felt so bad for his brother. The poor guy wanted a pup so bad. He just hoped that it would happen for them , it would just create more problems for the couple if she were rendered unable to conceive .
Shippo followed them out of the room , his face nowhere near as happy as when he came in. He had no idea they were having trouble in that department. It must be very frustrating for them both. " You know , I have a friend who works in a fertility clinic ...maybe I can ask him if there's something that they can do to help the conceive?"
Yasha stopped in his tracks, " Don't you dare Shippo , Sessh will kill you if you let anyone know he is having trouble producing a pup with his bitch. Not to mention how he will use me for target practice just for telling you two about it."
" I'll just tell him that I have a friend who is wanting some tips on the subject , then I'll tell you and you can relay the information to Sessh. Tell him you got the information on the internet." he made it sound so simple.
Datsuko burst out laughing , " Are you kidding ? Sessh knows that all this clown knows how to access on the net is porn. He'll never buy it."
That little outburst earned Dats a slap upside his head , " Oi , fucker - I can surf the web just fine. I just prefer more artsy sights is all."
Datsuko rubbed the back of his head , glaring daggers at the half demon , " Really ? And just how would you classify T N A . com as art ? I do a history on all the systems in this place you moron. I know what you do when no one is around ."
Inuyasha continued on his way , grumbling about nosy assed science geeks and their computers.
****************************
Kagome stared at her reflection again , much as she did every night before going to bed - the little pill in her hand. She was so beginning to hate the woman who stared back at her. She was a deceitful , lying wench and it made her hate the reflection even more. As she filled her glass with water , preparing to pop that thing into her mouth and swallow it yet again ...she mentally cringed.
She was such a bad mate , keeping it from him. They were supposed to share their feelings with each other and if she could not tell her mate how afraid she was to conceive another pup.....who could she tell. He was so very trusting of her , thought that she was trying just as hard as he was to have a child - when in fact , she wasn't. She was actively preventing it from happening. Oh , he would be so very angry and hurt if he found out. Of that , there was no doubt at all. There would be a big fight , she knew it. Couldn't blame him for it either. Hell , she knew about it and she hated herself for it , so why wouldn't he hate her too?
Closing her eyes , she popped it into her mouth and downed the entire glass of water. He would want to talk about it again , he always did anymore. It was swiftly becoming an obsession with him, one that she could not indulge . Kagome narrowed her eyes at her reflection for what seemed like the thousandth time in the past six months and she mentally chastised herself so that he would not hear her.
Finally unable to tolerate herself any longer , she turned from the mirror and went to the door. He was there in the bed , just as he was every night , and just like oh so many nights before - she felt the wave of guilt and nausea wash over her. She put on her very convincing smile and headed for her side of the bed. Kagome braced herself for it , it was coming.
" I found some information on our....problem , my minx , I believe there may be a solution . " he said gently.
Inwardly , she sighed " Really ? Tell me ." she tried to sound encouraged by his statement .. It worked.
" There have been studies that show couples who are having ...difficulties like we are , have been successful by cutting back on intercourse rather than indulging frequently. " he replied in a tone that told her he was not completely behind the idea .
" But , Sesshou....I - I enjoy it so much." she wasn't lying , she really did .
" I enjoy it to little one , but if it will better our chances to have a pup...it would be worth the sacrifice. Don't you agree" he could not blame her , though her hesitance did confuse him .Just the thought of having to endure being beside her in their bed and not be able to have her had him in an inner state of chaos, but if they were to ever hope to conceive , they had to try every option there was available to them.
" Where did you get this information anyway ? " she could not see her mate going to a doctor for their issue , he surely was uncomfortable inn letting anyone know he - Sesshoumaru Taisho , had trouble pupping his mate.
He did not want her to know he had spoken to anyone about their problem , so he simply said , in an even tone , " Internet." It wasn't a lie , Inuyasha had got the information off a medical website and well- he just omitted the Inuyasha part.
" I don't know..." she began hesitantly.
" It's either that or we have tests to determine the problem , as we are out of any other recourse , little one.." he sounded so sad . He really did not want to have to humiliate himself by admitting to anyone he could not get his bitch pregnant.
Kagome bit her bottom lip nervously , the guilt was eating her alive. She never really considered just what the whole thing was doing to her mate. It had to be very hard on his pride , not to mention his ego , and he seemed so upset by it all. So not liking herself even more than she already did.
" Okay . We'll try it. " she said quietly. The relief that registered on his face then broke her heart even more.
" Thank you Kagome....I appreciate you granting me this , I just want to try everything we can before calling in ...outsiders. " he gave her a hug , but only a short one . His body had already begun to react to her closeness and he could not let it happen , not if they were to be successful.
He filled her in on how it would go for them , it took the romance and intimacy out of the thought of having relations with him , like she was scheduling appointments at work . Oh joy. Could she feel any worse about what she was doing ? Probably , but who really wanted to find that out.
The hopeful demon turned on his side - facing away from her , and a space between then that felt as wide as the great city of Tokyo to them both - but , it could not be helped. It was for the best after all.
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